“Your teen won’t be so worried about you if she sees that you still have time for some personal pleasures.”It’s funny how the words “holidays” and “stress” seem to go together. Every year I am astounded by how much I let the season get to me. I think that what drives us is the anticipation of a great day, which we are determined to make perfect, if such a thing exists.
Meanwhile, there is your teen struggling with depression or another mental illness. They may find the whole thing depressing or pointless. This can be frustrating to parents and relatives who want to see them have a little fun, especially after what they’ve been through. Some hurting teens experience anhedonia, which means they cannot experience pleasure. In some cases, the teen can experience pleasure briefly, such as when they are eating a chocolate chip cookie, but they cannot anticipate the pleasure of the cookie. In addition, most teens battling a mental illness lack stamina. Everything takes more energy than it used to and something as simple as making a batch of cookies can be exhausting.
If your teen is still in recovery mode, the change in their daily routine is likely to set them back. Disruptions such as house guests will also increase their stress level. You may notice them withdrawing more than usual and sleeping often, partly due to fatigue and partly to escape from the stress. The fact that all this activity once made them feel cheerful can make things seem even more depressing. Fortunately, there are steps you can take to not only help your teen get through the holidays, but to reduce your own stress as well.
Let a Few Things Go
Start by looking at your list of things that you still have to do. Family traditions are important, but you do not have to do all of them every year. Ask each family member to choose one tradition and one food item that is most important to them. Explain that you want to keep the holiday simpler this year so that everyone can relax and enjoy it more. Once you strike all those unnecessary items off of your list, you will be able to breathe easier and your teen may begin to relax more too.
Take Some Time for Yourself
Next, take stock of your personal schedule. With less shopping and decorating and baking to do, maybe now you can schedule some soothing activities for yourself. You may choose to read for an hour each evening or take a brisk walk every day after work. Your teen won’t be so worried about you if they see that you still have time for some personal pleasures. This alone will knock the pervasive intensity of the holiday season down a notch.
Give Your Teen a Break
If company is coming, try to make sure that your teen still has the privacy of their room to use as a retreat. If that isn’t possible, tell them that they can go into your room for some peace and quiet during the day. If the house if full or relatives, including noisy children, and your teen seems overwhelmed, see if you can get your teen out of the house for half an hour or so. Take them to a coffee shop and sit with them and make small talk or no talk at all. You will both benefit from the respite.
If your teen loves to read, offer to drop them off at the library for a couple of hours each day. Libraries are very quiet during the holidays because everybody else is so busy shopping and getting stressed. If Aunt Josie doesn’t understand why your teen would rather be in the library than at home with their four adorable (and boisterous) cousins, say that they have a research project due right after the holidays.
The holiday season may still be less than joyful for your teen. But your good example of taking care of yourself will impress them (although your teen may not show it). Also, the fact that you took steps to check in with them and try to ease the discomfort of the season is something they will appreciate.
“As parents, we sometimes feel like we need to be in steady communication with our children, but teens need privacy.”