“Mentally tell yourself “Stop!” whenever you catch yourself ruminating. It won’t work the first time or the second time, but if you do it often enough, more time will elapse between each event until it finally recedes.”
The symptoms of caregiver burnout are strikingly similar to those of depression: withdrawal from social activities, irritability, hopelessness, changes in appetite, weight, or sleep, and exhaustion. I personally realized I was experiencing burnout when I kept making silly mistakes, forgetting things, and having trouble making plans or decisions. I found I wasn’t handling even tiny disappointments well and couldn’t seem to bounce back from the setbacks of my kids’ illnesses. I was losing my resiliency. That worried me because I still cared deeply, and I knew I needed to function and feel better in order to look after my family.
Caregiver burnout does not mean not caring. Rather, it is a signal to pay attention to ourselves. Here are a few strategies for getting your own mental health back on track.
Start With Your Health
It may be simplest to start by addressing any physical complaints that have accrued. It is a good time to see your physician for a check-up, possibly blood work, and a discussion of your ailments. It is possible that you may need medicine to address any depression or anxiety you have developed. For a caregiver, this can be a devastating notion. We do not want to be the sick ones because we have a teen to look after. But using a little bit of medicine for a short time, under the guidance of a doctor, can help you get back on track faster.
Try to get back into an exercise routine, even if it is only a twenty-minute walk after lunch. Getting out of the office or house will clear your head, and getting your heart pumping will immediately make you feel better. Establishing even this small routine of self-care will help to make you feel more in control of your situation.
If you have been drinking caffeine or eating sugar for energy, see if you can cut back now. Tackle just one thing. For example, if you’ve been eating primarily carbohydrates, try to make just one meal a day include more protein and vegetables and less sugar or starch. The good food you consume will reinforce that you are doing something good for yourself. Keep in mind that caffeine and sugar are addictive, so the less you have of them, the less you crave them. Be patient with yourself while you cut back. In a couple of weeks, the cravings will subside.
Make Time for Your Spouse or Friend
If you are married, you may feel that you and your spouse have drifted apart during your teen’s crisis. Try scheduling a weekly date night or even something simple like a Sunday morning walk. Similarly, you may want to reconnect with a special friend whom you’ve drifted apart from while your teen was ill. If you feel you need to explain your absence, simply say that you were in crisis with your teen but that things are better now and you’ve missed him/her.
Rebuild Your Job
Many parents find that they do not feel the same about their job once their teen becomes ill. Perhaps you need more flexibility or you want to be closer to home. If your teen is beginning to stabilize, why not put your resume together and send it out? It may take several months before a job change materializes, but the hope of a fresh start can be encouraging, especially if you are spending time focusing on your strengths.
Improve Your Mental Health
Until now, you may have been working with your teen’s therapist. But maybe it is time for you to see your own therapist, who can help you process what you have been through. Your teen’s therapist may be able to recommend someone who can help. Some parents find that they are comfortable with one of the therapists that didn’t work out for their teen and they give them a try.
Stop Worrying
Some parents find that they have developed a habit of worrying. You may catch yourself fretting about things that could happen to your teen. If you can honestly say that you’re doing everything you can to help your teen, replace the worry with something more positive and realistic. You may be able to picture your teen where they are at the moment: with friends in their room or in band after school. Remind yourself to enjoy the way things are now.
Be firm with yourself when you notice your thoughts turning to doom. Mentally tell yourself “Stop!” whenever you catch yourself ruminating. It won’t work the first time or the second time, but if you do it often enough, more time will elapse between each event until it finally recedes.
Establish a Soothing Routine
When my daughter was going through a difficult relapse, she gave me all of the Jane Austen DVD’s for Christmas. I found that watching these humorous stories wherein the heroine’s greatest struggle is to find a husband was a nice respite from my complicated problems at home. You may be able to find a routine that helps you relax, such as reading the evening newspaper or going for a walk after dinner.
Take Your Mind off of Everything
There are a few activities in which you simply must forget all of your problems for the hour or so that you do them. For example, swimming or an exercise class. You could also take a course in cooking or something else that is fun. Your local high school or community center may offer some enjoyable options that are close to home. If you don’t want to go out, a hobby at home such as painting or playing a musical instrument can help you to forget your troubles. It will also make you more interesting to your teen and to your family. After all, you have to be more than just a caregiver.
Make a List
While you go through your own convalescence, so to speak, make a list of all the good things in your life. You can do this daily, if you like, maybe before you go to sleep. Throughout the day, if you feel sad or stressed, ask yourself to focus on one thing that is working for your teen right now. Focus on this as you go about your activities. Maybe someone will smile at you, thinking that you are smiling at them.
Finally, be honest with yourself about your expectations of both yourself and your teen. If you focus too much on what still needs to be fixed, you will miss out on celebrating the high points of your teen’s success. If you have found that your teen’s progress seems slow or inadequate, perhaps it’s time to re-calibrate your expectations. For example, rather than expecting your teen to be well enough to return to school this coming semester, plan on her returning the following semester. One of the best pieces of advice I ever got was to simply change my expectations. It works wonders.
“A new drug trial requires that you and your teen be watchful about any change in symptoms, especially during the first two weeks.”