“The best way to ask if your teen is suicidal is to simply say you’re concerned.”How can you tell if your teen is suicidal? Normally, our kids tell us if they have a headache or strain a muscle. Yet some teens cannot bring themselves to confide this scary fact. If we are lucky, we may get the information from our teen’s friend or therapist or from a school counselor. Why is it that they cannot tell us directly?
It is easy to forget how very deeply teens crave our approval. After all, they don’t act as if they need it. But deep down, most teens don’t want to disappoint us. The thought of seeing the shock and distress on our faces is often too much. So they hide it. Even if we ask them outright, they may balk in the face of opportunity. They convince both us and themselves that they are okay when really they need help.
Teens may also fear a different type of reaction: dismissal. As one teen explained, “My mother tried to talk me out of it. She said I didn’t really mean it and eventually got me to agree that I wasn’t really suicidal. But I was.” Another teen says, “I would never tell my parents I’m suicidal. They’d tell me it’s a sin to commit suicide and I’ll burn in hell. I already feel like I’m in hell so why should I care it’s a sin? They’ll find out after I do it.” If neither denial nor threats nor asking our teens outright to confide in us works, what are we left with?
Often teens will tell a friend and the facts will get to us somehow. But if your teen doesn’t have a close friend, trusted teacher or counselor, or therapist, there may be no one to turn to. Yet, chances are that if you’re reading this article, you’ve received some sort of clue. Follow up. Go to your teen and broach the subject. Don’t be afraid of “planting the idea” in your teen’s head, especially if you bring it up in the context of a survival plan. The best way to ask if your teen is suicidal is to simply say you’re concerned. Watch how Karen did it with her daughter, Kaylee.
Karen stares out the front window watching her fourteen-year-old daughter walk up the street. With a jolt she realizes that Kaylee is seriously depressed. She has always been a dramatic girl, but right now, Kaylee is playing to no one. Her hair is messy and she walks with the slump of an arthritic old woman. She actually looks like she’s in pain. As Kaylee turns and heads up the walkway, Karen sees that her eyes look flat.
Karen wonders what to say as she hears the front door click open. So often when she expresses concern Kaylee becomes defensive and they both end up yelling. But Karen can see that she must say something.
Kaylee heads down the hallway, and Karen says, “Honey, I need to talk to you.” Kaylee doesn’t break stride, just heads to her room and softly closes the door behind her.
Karen goes to the closed door and knocks briefly, then opens the door. Kaylee is shrugging her backpack onto the floor. “What is it, Mom?” Kaylee has her back to her mother.“Honey, I can tell that you’re not doing well. I think we should go back to the family therapist.”
Kaylee sinks into her desk chair. “Okay.”
Stunned that Kaylee is agreeing when she used to always argue about it, she becomes more concerned. “Sweetie, can I ask you a question. Are you suicidal?”
Something crosses Kaylee’s eyes. She blinks at her mom and forces a smile. “No. Of course not. Why would you think that?”
Karen blurts. “Because I can see that you’re carrying around something very heavy.” She feels herself tremble with emotion.
Kaylee looks alarmed. “I’m fine, Mom, really. Please don’t look at me that way.”
“I’m fine, Kaylee. But I need to let you know that you can trust me. I’m not going to flip out, I promise. You don’t have to say it if you don’t want to, but please just tell me if I’m on to something.”
Kaylee looks weary. “I just don’t have the energy for this, Mom.” She looks exhausted. Karen can see that the conversation has completely worn her out.
Karen swallows. “If you’re suicidal, will you let me make a phone call on your behalf? As your mother, it’s my job to get you help. And I don’t mind, honey.” She realizes the last sentence is silly, but Karen is a single mom and Kaylee has always tried to be independent.
“Okay.”
Karen can hardly believe her ears. She rises. Now that Kaylee has confirmed her suspicion, she realizes she’s shocked. But she’s gotten the information she was seeking, and now it’s time to do something about it. She goes into the kitchen and calls 911.
Kaylee’s story offers a couple of additional clues as to why teens sometimes conceal suicidal thoughts. Fatigue. The deeply depressed teen may not have the energy to seek help. Depression changes a person’s thinking so gradually that they do not notice it occurring. They believe that the situation is hopeless, blaming their feelings on their circumstances or even themselves. It is a cruel fact that the depressed person is often unable to recognize the illness and therefore cannot ask for help.
Did Karen handle things right in this case? The fact is that there are many right ways to handle a situation like this. In this case, there is going to be some drama. The 911 call will likely trigger an ambulance and a police car. Kaylee will be gently led to the ambulance and taken to the hospital for treatment. That might sound extreme to some people. Maybe in time, Kaylee and her mom will regret all the drama, but one thing is sure: Kaylee will get help. Why take a chance? Desperate situations call for desperate measures. Serious health problems can involve anything from chemotherapy to an amputation. Suicide ideation is life-threatening, so don’t be afraid to take action.
“Therapists know that comfort level is the most crucial qualification and will not take it personally.”