Your Hurting Teen Help for emotionally troubled teens

“Maturity is a process, not a destination. We never really get there, but the closer we come, the better we are.”

Most parents wish their teens were more mature. It makes life easier on ourselves and on them. Yet, maturity can seem so elusive. These five steps will help you and your teen to see the process of maturity in new ways.

Step #1 Reinforce Effort
When your teen does something mature, point it out. Say things like, “It was very unselfish of you to give up your bed when your cousin visited” or “Thank you for telling your brother he’ll get through math. It means more coming from you than it would if I said it.” Your words will be like fertilizer on a plant, so take every opportunity you see.

Step #2 Emphasize the Value of Mistakes
Our society makes too much of success. The fact is, most successes can be traced back to a series of failures. Think about the wonder drugs that were discovered because they didn’t work for the illness originally targeted. Failure is often our best teacher. If your teen has taken on an ambitious task, say you’re proud they tried. If they’re really upset, ask them if they wish they hadn’t tried. Even if the answer is yes, it will be half-hearted. Deep down, we treasure the things we’ve learned.

Use yourself as an example. You may be able to tell your teen about a recent time in which you learned from a mistake. People who can’t forgive themselves for errors often spend a lot of time defending themselves. Don’t worry that your teen will think less of you for slipping up. They are ready by now to understand that you are human too.

Step #3 Understand that Growth is Uncomfortable
As teens continue to take risks, make friends, try a new job, and more, they may become discouraged. A friend may let them down or a boss may dress them down. They may feel like they aren’t cut out for the goals they’ve set. Ask them to look at how far they’ve come. Maybe you both remember a time when they were scared to get out of the car for their first job interview. It would have been easier to stay at home and not take the risk, but they would have missed out on so much. Let them know that growth is uncomfortable but worth it. Maturity is a process, not a destination. We never really get there, but the closer we come, the better we are.

Step #4: Be a Model of Maturity
Look for opportunities to improve your own maturity. Many parents are inspired by their own kids to change. One mom vowed to stop gossiping after she noticed that her daughter refused to join the grapevine. A dad cursed another driver for going too slowly and thought twice after his son said, “He has an out-of-state license plate. Maybe he’s trying to figure out which way to turn.” If you scan the list of mature and immature behaviors, you might see an area in which you’d like to improve. Just remember what you preached to your teen: forgive yourself for slip-ups and move on.

Step #5: Cut Others Some Slack
We often say things without thinking. A driver cuts us off and we mutter, “That woman needs to learn how to drive.” Try following up with something like, “Well, actually, she does know how to drive, but it would have been nice if she hadn’t cut me off. I guess everybody makes mistakes.” As minor as it may sound, if you do this often enough, the effect upon your teen will be powerful. They will learn to forgive others, which will allow them to forgive  their own mistakes, reducing their defensiveness. In short, they will become more mature.

This is Part V in a series on teen maturity. Read the others:
Helping Your Teen Mature (Part I)
Getting Through to Your Irrational Teen (Part II)
Building Social Skills in the Emotionally Ill Teen (Part III)
Six Strategies for Helping Your Teen Mature (Part IV)

“An important feature of mature individuals is a willingness to do things they do not want to do.”

You can help your teen mature by treating them as though they are already mature. You have probably heard the expression, Fake it till you make it. When you try out new behavior enough times, it becomes natural. Changing your behavior with your teen will push them to change their behavior. Try these six strategies and watch your teen’s maturity grow.

#1 Ignore Immature Behavior
If your teen acts immature, ignore the behavior. Do not stare them down in silent rebuke, but rather, let it go. Your lack of response might force them to replay what they said, and they might decide they don’t like it.

#2 Ask for Opinions
It is flattering to be asked for an opinion. It makes people feel important and respected. Teens will rise to the compliment you pay them by considering their response before they speak. If your teen’s response sounds half-baked, simply say, “Hmm. That’s an interesting statement.” If they say something worthwhile, thank them for the idea.

#3 Take a Step Back
Parents may unwittingly delay their teen’s maturity by over-protecting, indulging, and even defending or making excuses for their behavior. If that is you, take heart. It is natural to protect when someone you love is struggling. Show your confidence in your teen by taking a step back. At first, it may be difficult for you to even identify these areas and you may need your therapist to point them out to you. You and your spouse can also observe each other and gently (not accusingly) point out the areas in which you have been overprotecting or indulging. Begin slowly cutting back. Often, all you need to do is less.

One of your best opportunities for helping your teen mature will come when they find themselves in a jam. Rather than settling it, ask them to come up with solutions. Allow them to choose, even if you think it isn’t the best answer. You may feel less needed during this time of growth on your teen’s part, but the results are worth it. They’ll appreciate hearing you say something like, “That was a very mature response” or “That was a wise decision.”

#4 Hand Over Money Management
Money gives us control over our lives. With money, your teen can go to the movies, buy the music they want, and even save for a car. If you have been helping your teen manage their money, now might be a time to let them take on more of a decision-making role. They can open a bank account and decide what percentage of allowance or paycheck will go toward savings. If they becomes very interested in the subject of money, watch The Suze Orman show on television with them, which is an entertaining and informative way to get information about managing your own money. If they become more deeply interested, buy them a copy of Jane Bryant Quinn’s book, Making the Most of Your Money Now.

#5 Offer a Challenge
An important feature of mature individuals is a willingness to do things they do not want to do. If you suspect that you have been making it too easy for your teen to avoid unpleasant tasks, amend it now. People are not motivated to change when they are comfortable. Your teen may balk when you add chores and responsibilities, but just smile and say, “I know you don’t like it, but I also know you can do it.” Aside from adding chores, here are some other opportunities for growth (feel free to brainstorm and add to the list):

• Let them plan a party or host an event, including shopping for the food, setting up and cleaning up.
• Let them get a pet that they choose and look after.
• If your family goes on vacation, ask your teen to plan one sightseeing event.
• If they want to start music lessons or another activity, let them locate a teacher or school and bring you the information.
• If they have their driver’s license, occasionally ask them to pick something up for you at the grocery store.
• Let them start making their own therapy or psychiatry appointments.

#6 Encourage Social Skills
The good news is that your teen’s therapy will help them develop some important characteristics of the mature individual: mutual respect and honest communication. If you do some family therapy you can help your teen make great strides in this area. The teen who has had the benefit of therapy may become more mature than their peers in these areas, yet remain less mature in others, such as in social skills. Notice that I used the word “skills.” Skill is developed through practice.

Many teens avoid socializing altogether because they are afraid of making a mistake. Ask them to think of a time they made a social mistake five years ago. Then ask if they have made the same mistake recently. The answer is probably no. As humans, we encounter many social mistakes; some made by us, and some made by others. Participating and observing is how we learn. Your teen is not special. Everybody must go through this learning process. The good news is that we can choose to learn from mistakes and constantly improve our social skills.

If your teen’s illness is chronic in nature, meaning that symptoms arise, subside, and then arise again, you may find the process of aiding their maturity more challenging. It is likely that during ill periods they regress and become dependent in a way that is years behind their chronological age. Don’t worry. Those skills are not lost, so during their periods of wellness, have them pick up where they left off. They may get there later than most, but let’s face it: some adults never really mature. At least your teen is trying.

This is Part IV in a series on teen maturity. Read the others:
Helping Your Teen Mature (Part I)
Getting Through to Your Irrational Teen (Part II)
Building Social Skills in the Emotionally Ill Teen (Part III)
Five Steps to Increasing Teen Maturity (Part V)