“You can help your teen by distinguishing the truth from self-defeating statements.”To become more mature, teens need to be able to recognize irrational thinking. A simple approach is to help them learn to distinguish between fact and opinion. Asking a few questions will usually help them realize that they are making assumptions based on their feelings. They can then look at their feelings and come up with a more appropriate approach.
Let’s see how Brett does it with his son, Joey:
Joey comes home from his part-time job and throws his Shake Shack apron on the kitchen counter. “My boss hates me, and I’m quitting.”
Brett eyes him from behind his computer. “Did she tell you she hates you?”
“No, but I can tell she does. She yelled at me twice for leaving the back door open.”
“Was she actually yelling?”
“Well not yelling, but she sounded pretty mad.”
Brett gazes at the ceiling thoughtfully. “Hmm. Why would she get upset about the back door being open?”
Joey grunts and opens the refrigerator. He pours himself a glass of milk, slopping a little on the counter. “It opens to an alley and I guess she doesn’t want random people going in there.”
“Oh, so she’s worried about employee safety?”
Joey says, “And to prevent theft. She told me people will pull up to back doors with a van and just load up boxes of supplies, then drive off and sell it. You want to hear something interesting?” He leans against the counter and adopts an authoritative tone. “Nine percent of our profits get walked out of the store. Like literally, supplies just disappear. Sometimes employees do it. But she knows I’m honest. She gives me the keys to the register now, you know.”
“But you said she hates you.”
“What?”
“When you came in, you said your boss hates you. Was that a fact or an opinion?”
“Well, I guess an opinion. But you know, she did have to tell me twice to close the door. You can see why that would annoy her. Overall, she’s pretty nice to me.” He smirks at Brett. “I guess I’ll give her another chance.”
You can help your teen by distinguishing the truth from self-defeating statements. A therapist can help by using cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). CBT helps patients analyze their thoughts and distinguish between rational thinking and distorted thinking. When teens learn this powerful skill, they come to realize that they can change the way they think. This usually makes life easier on them.
When your teen makes inaccurate statements, ask them why they think that. Question them about the accuracy of words such as “always” or “never.” For example, the teen who is convinced that nobody wants to be their friend will learn to examine all the reasons why they have reached this conclusion. Then they can challenge their distortions. Their list might end up looking something like this:
| Distorted Beliefs | Rational Beliefs |
| My best friend, Troy, dumped me. If your best friend dumps you, it means you are a terrible friend. |
|
| Why would anyone want to be my friend? They all know I tried to kill myself. |
|
| I haven’t had a friend in over a year, which means I never will. |
|
| I’m not sure I even want a friend. You just get hurt. |
|
| I have no opportunities to meet people. |
|
Granted, this would take more than one CBT session, but you get the idea. When teens begin learning how to remove distorted thinking, they empower themselves. The process can uncover fears, self-image issues, and self-defeating behavior. Many therapists include at least some aspect of CBT into their treatment. There are also a number of outstanding teen workbooks on CBT. Here are two:
The Shyness and Social Anxiety Workbook for Teens, by Jennifer Shannon
Think Confident, Be Confident for Teens, by Marci Fox and Leslie Sokol
This is Part II in a series on teen maturity. Read the others:
Helping Your Teen Mature (Part I)
Building Social Skills in the Emotionally Ill Teen (Part III)
Six Strategies for Helping Your Teen Mature (Part IV)
Five Steps to Increasing Teen Maturity (Part V)
Tags: Maturity & Social Skills