“Sometimes, a little sympathy, about anything, even the fact that they’re upset, will make a person feel more understood.”It may be comforting to know that teen anger is common. If your teen has a mood disorder or other mental illness, they may be even more susceptible to meltdowns. If you can imagine for a moment what it’s like to be so angry that you feel out of control, you will have some idea of how painful it is for your teen. Still, when it happens, it can make you feel like having a meltdown of your own! When it hits, try these strategies for calming your teen.
#1 Don’t Respond to Teen Anger Outbursts
You may be tempted to respond to whatever it is your teen is railing about, but don’t. If it is truly a meltdown (and they’re pretty hard to miss), know that your teen is not in a rational state right now, and nothing you say will be useful or helpful. Later, perhaps, but not now. Remaining silent not only gives you time to think and maintain your own sense of calm, but it also deprives your teen of an audience, limiting the duration of the performance.
#2 Find Out Why Your Teen is Really Angry
Your teen may be upset about schoolwork, their little sister, or you. While you’re remaining silent, try to get as much sensible information from your ranting teen as you can by mentally separating the emotion from any facts. Emotion is simple to identify, but the facts can be harder to gather, especially in this state. If your teen is pushing you for a reply, simply say, “I’m afraid I can’t talk about this right now. Let’s try in half an hour when we’re calmer.” Then excuse yourself.
#3 Take a Break From Your Teen’s Anger
By now, you may be feeling your own emotions surging. Maybe it sounds like the teacher has misunderstood your teen and you want to give her a piece of your mind. Or maybe you feel like your teen should be able to ignore their little sister when she teases them. Be aware that you may decide that your initial reaction is totally wrong once you get some real facts. Go and fold some laundry or take the dog for a walk. As you do, play back what you think you heard your teen saying. There may be something critical that you didn’t notice at first.
#4 Offer Your Angry Teen Some Sympathy
If your teen continues to fall apart, crying and ranting, it’s helpful to offer a Kleenex. While they dry their eyes, say, in a sympathetic tone, “I can see that you’re really upset.” You may be surprised that this instantly calms your teen. Sometimes, a little sympathy, about anything, even the fact that they’re upset, will make a person feel more understood. If they calm down, their speech will be more rational now. At this point, you can ask a question or two to get more information. Let them talk. Don’t rush in with another question. Your patient silence will calm them even more, and now you may get the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
#5 Help Your Angry Teen Separate Fact From Opinion
If your teen is now in a rational state, see if you can help them to distinguish the facts from what they are feeling. For example, it may be a fact that their teacher gave them a D, but it is only their opinion that she did it because she hates them. It is a fact that they have a D, but only speculation that they are going to fail the course.
#6 Don’t Try to Solve Your Angry Teen’s Problem
If there is a solution to your teen’s problem, it is best if they find it on their own. Avoid making suggestions, which will likely irritate them. Give them some time, and they will either let it go or find a solution. When they do, don’t bring up the earlier outburst. Just let the whole thing go without remark. Next time, they may be able to reach the rational stage sooner.