04
Jan 25

Caring for Your Mentally Ill Teen

Mom shows confidence in daughter“The teen who is going through a difficult time emotionally may tire easily, become confused, or get frustrated. You can help by maintaining an air of quiet encouragement.”

If only mental illness were like strep throat: you feel terrible for a few days, you take medicine, and a week later you’re back in shape. Recovery from mental illnesses is slow, measured more in months than in days. Fortunately, there are many things you can do to hasten your teen’s recovery.

Show Some Confidence

At this early point, it is easy to feel like things are out of control, but try to show your teen that you are confident about their recovery. Save the tears, anger, and self-flagellation for the therapist or for private moments with your spouse. On the other hand, it is okay to admit to your child that you’re worried. If they say they’re angry about it all, you can confide that you too feel angry that this is happening to them. Here is an example of what I mean:

Her: Why is this happening to me, Mom?

You: I don’t know why, honey. I honestly never expected something like this. I admit that I’m very worried. But I have a lot of confidence in the people who are helping us. We’ll get through this.

Her: I saw you crying last night. Admit it, you think I’m losing my mind.

You: I’m sorry you saw that. I have had some tough moments. It’s hard for a parent to see her child suffering.  But I don’t believe for a minute that you’re losing your mind. I want you to know that Dad and I are working together to get you the care you need. We’ll get through this.

Note the repetition of, “We’ll get through this.” Sometimes there is nothing more to say. Don’t feel that you have to have all the answers.

Managing Your Home Environment

Now for the good part: the things you can do to promote your teen’s recovery. The brain heals and becomes regulated by routine. Get your teen to wake up and go to bed at the same time each day. Establish a routine and have them stick to it, eating meals, exercising, and doing schoolwork at the same time each day. They will rely upon your encouragement in the early days of treatment. It can be a slow and discouraging process, particularly when a medicine trial does not go well. Reassure your teen that you intend to do everything you can to help them get well.

Meanwhile, keep the household calm and quiet. Try to serve dinner at the same time each day. Cut everything out of your schedule that you possibly can so that there is less irregular activity (besides, you need to trim your own obligations in order to take care of yourself). If you are in the habit of shouting questions to your kids, try to stop. Instead, go to them directly and speak in a normal tone of voice. If conflict is a regular part of life in your household, you may want to address it now while you have the benefit of a family therapist involved. Many families find that they become stronger when a crisis such as this occurs.

Avoid Teasing and Sarcasm

Emotionally ill teens do not perceive sarcasm or teasing the same way that we do. Their pain is always at the forefront, and everything you say to them gets filtered through that tender layer. When my teens were depressed I was astonished to find them taking what I had said literally. When I tried to explain that I was joking, they became confused and hurt. Having a teen with a mental illness can make you a better communicator.

Get Your Teen Talking

The most powerful thing you can do during this time is listen. If you are in the habit of lecturing or criticizing, your child’s recovery will be considerably delayed. I don’t mean to sound sanctimonious. After years of knowing better, I still have to work to keep the negative tone out of my voice and to avoid lecturing. There is no such thing as a perfect parent, and your child is still expecting you to be you. But why not go for an even better you? I recommend that you allow yourself to do ten percent of the talking and let your child take the other ninety percent. Maybe you’re thinking that your house will be awfully quiet with a ratio like that. But think about it: the more you talk, the less they have to speak, and you need to know what their symptoms, fears, and needs are if you are to help. One of the best ways to get your teen to talk is to reflect back what they say.  If they say, “I’m sick of hearing you and dad fight,” you can say, “It sounds like our arguing is causing you a lot of stress.” It might encourage them to further explain how they feel.

If your teen does open up and start talking, congratulations! Keep it up by saying things like, “I’d like to hear more about that.” They may very well oblige you. Don’t be afraid of long pauses. If you speak too soon, you cut off the possibility of hearing what else they have to say, and this is where the good stuff often lurks. If they finish a heated explanation and you’re quiet, you leave the door open for more. You’ll be amazed at what else you can get from your teen by just patiently waiting for more.

One thing I’ve learned about talking to kids is that they often hear the first sentence and then tune the rest out. So make that first sentence count.  Better yet, make it your only sentence. Then they’ll really remember it.

Consider Your Teen’s State of Mind

The teen who is going through a difficult time emotionally may tire easily, become confused, or get frustrated. You can help by maintaining an air of quiet encouragement. You may need to write things down for them each day. If their confusion is severe, help them prepare an index card each night, listing everything they have to do the following day. It is also wise to help them organize the books and assignments they’ll need the following day. A little planning on your part will help your teen have a better day. Eventually, they’ll be able to handle this themselves.


04
Jan 25

Is Your Teen Spoiled?

Teenager“Spoiling usually results from over-indulging or over-protecting our teen.”

How do you know if your teen is spoiled? Certain events can trigger an awareness in us. One mom said she realized her daughter was spoiled the weekend they spent at an out-of-town wedding. Her daughter refused to share a bed with her cousin and insisted upon standing beside her brother for photographs, even though she wasn’t in the wedding party. A dad said he realized his son was spoiled after he picked him up from a two-day camping trip. The boy complained about the habits of his fellow campers and pouted when he heard they were having roast beef instead of their usual Friday night pizza and wings. These wake-up calls tell us it’s time to make changes.

How Do Teens Become Spoiled and What Can You Do?

Spoiling usually results from over-indulging or over-protecting our teen. If that is you, take heart. It’s fixable. It is hardly a crime to try too hard. If your teen was ill for a time, it may have been necessary to take extra care of your teen for a while. The key is to make gradual changes and to always let your teen know what is expected of them. If you change the rules too suddenly or harshly, your teen will be caught off-guard, confused, and may feel humiliated or resentful.

If you suspect that your teen is spoiled, try to identify specific examples. If you’re inclined to, you can also identify some areas in which your teen is expressly not spoiled. This may take a few weeks of observation. What you are likely to find is that your teen is weak in one or two areas. For example, a spoiled teen may:

  • Expect you to handle the tedious or unpleasant parts of their life
  • Complain frequently if things don’t go exactly the way they want them to
  • Expect a lot from you and perhaps from others too
  • Seem to think they deserve special treatment
  • Want a lot of things and become unpleasant if you don’t deliver them
  • Show an unwillingness to do things for themselves, including working
  • Not care about the feelings of others

Think about the areas in which your teen needs to improve and tackle one at a time. Chances are, any changes you make will help with other areas as well. You will be more motivated to change if you choose something that currently bothers either you or another family member. That way, more than one person will benefit. In many cases, the change means simply doing less. Not buying them what they want. Not doing their laundry. Not doing things for them that they can do for themselves.

When your teen objects, simply smile and say, “I know you don’t like it. But we all have to deal with these things.” Ignore any tantrum-like behavior, including the silent treatment. Your teen needs you more than you realize, so tantrums are necessarily finite (plus they take a lot of energy).

Teaching Your Teen to Respect Others’ Feelings

If you want your teen to show more respect for your feelings, be a role model. Think about how you respond to your teen, your other children, and your spouse. If you sound respectful, it is reasonable to insist that your teen treat you the same way. If you think that you could both improve, make it a point to be more courteous. Your teen is likely to catch on.

Sometimes teens who have been through a deep depression become accustomed to having their feelings looked after. Family members, the therapist, and even teachers may have gone out of their way to accommodate the teen’s feelings. It may simply be that, in their misery, your teen forgot that others have feelings too. Do not let them get away with mistreating you or your spouse or a sibling because they are going through a rough time. It is okay to say, “We care about your feelings, and we expect you to care about ours.”

Helping Teens Who Lack Empathy

If your teen’s problem goes beyond being discourteous, and they truly seem to lack empathy, you have a more serious issue. Lack of empathy will be a problem for your teen as they enter adulthood. Talk to your teen’s therapist and let her know that you want to help with this issue. Ask her what you can do to help at home. Be a role model for empathy. Let your conversation be peppered with comments like:

  • I’m going to take Mrs. Beale to the doctor. She’s too sick to drive.
  • Let’s keep our voices down because Dad worked all night and needs to sleep.
  • I think you may have hurt your sister’s feelings. Apologizing would make her feel better and it would show your maturity.
  • Tell me what you’re feeling, and I’ll try to help.

If your teen has never been very empathetic, it may help to explain that all humans need other people. People who lack empathy do not understand this implicit principle of nature. Explain that when they do something kind, it is a type of insurance that it will come back to them.