Monthly Archives: January 2025

Fostering Wellness and Growth / Troubling Issues — Comments Off on Is Your Teen Spoiled?
04
Jan 25

Is Your Teen Spoiled?

Teenager“Spoiling usually results from over-indulging or over-protecting our teen.”

How do you know if your teen is spoiled? Certain events can trigger an awareness in us. One mom said she realized her daughter was spoiled the weekend they spent at an out-of-town wedding. Her daughter refused to share a bed with her cousin and insisted upon standing beside her brother for photographs, even though she wasn’t in the wedding party. A dad said he realized his son was spoiled after he picked him up from a two-day camping trip. The boy complained about the habits of his fellow campers and pouted when he heard they were having roast beef instead of their usual Friday night pizza and wings. These wake-up calls tell us it’s time to make changes.

How Do Teens Become Spoiled and What Can You Do?

Spoiling usually results from over-indulging or over-protecting our teen. If that is you, take heart. It’s fixable. It is hardly a crime to try too hard. If your teen was ill for a time, it may have been necessary to take extra care of your teen for a while. The key is to make gradual changes and to always let your teen know what is expected of them. If you change the rules too suddenly or harshly, your teen will be caught off-guard, confused, and may feel humiliated or resentful.

If you suspect that your teen is spoiled, try to identify specific examples. If you’re inclined to, you can also identify some areas in which your teen is expressly not spoiled. This may take a few weeks of observation. What you are likely to find is that your teen is weak in one or two areas. For example, a spoiled teen may:

  • Expect you to handle the tedious or unpleasant parts of their life
  • Complain frequently if things don’t go exactly the way they want them to
  • Expect a lot from you and perhaps from others too
  • Seem to think they deserve special treatment
  • Want a lot of things and become unpleasant if you don’t deliver them
  • Show an unwillingness to do things for themselves, including working
  • Not care about the feelings of others

Think about the areas in which your teen needs to improve and tackle one at a time. Chances are, any changes you make will help with other areas as well. You will be more motivated to change if you choose something that currently bothers either you or another family member. That way, more than one person will benefit. In many cases, the change means simply doing less. Not buying them what they want. Not doing their laundry. Not doing things for them that they can do for themselves.

When your teen objects, simply smile and say, “I know you don’t like it. But we all have to deal with these things.” Ignore any tantrum-like behavior, including the silent treatment. Your teen needs you more than you realize, so tantrums are necessarily finite (plus they take a lot of energy).

Teaching Your Teen to Respect Others’ Feelings

If you want your teen to show more respect for your feelings, be a role model. Think about how you respond to your teen, your other children, and your spouse. If you sound respectful, it is reasonable to insist that your teen treat you the same way. If you think that you could both improve, make it a point to be more courteous. Your teen is likely to catch on.

Sometimes teens who have been through a deep depression become accustomed to having their feelings looked after. Family members, the therapist, and even teachers may have gone out of their way to accommodate the teen’s feelings. It may simply be that, in their misery, your teen forgot that others have feelings too. Do not let them get away with mistreating you or your spouse or a sibling because they are going through a rough time. It is okay to say, “We care about your feelings, and we expect you to care about ours.”

Helping Teens Who Lack Empathy

If your teen’s problem goes beyond being discourteous, and they truly seem to lack empathy, you have a more serious issue. Lack of empathy will be a problem for your teen as they enter adulthood. Talk to your teen’s therapist and let her know that you want to help with this issue. Ask her what you can do to help at home. Be a role model for empathy. Let your conversation be peppered with comments like:

  • I’m going to take Mrs. Beale to the doctor. She’s too sick to drive.
  • Let’s keep our voices down because Dad worked all night and needs to sleep.
  • I think you may have hurt your sister’s feelings. Apologizing would make her feel better and it would show your maturity.
  • Tell me what you’re feeling, and I’ll try to help.

If your teen has never been very empathetic, it may help to explain that all humans need other people. People who lack empathy do not understand this implicit principle of nature. Explain that when they do something kind, it is a type of insurance that it will come back to them.

 

Caring for Your Hurting Teen — No Comments
02
Jan 25

Preventing an Emotional Relapse in Your Teen

Teenager“Get your teen talking about recovery. Can you help them name five things they did right this time?

Once your teen recovers from an emotional illness, it can be scary to think about the possibility of a relapse. Sometimes as a teen improves, the parents’ concern diminishes and their expectations increase. This alone can trigger a setback or relapse. The teen may find it too difficult to be well. Ask your teen if they are feeling overwhelmed by their own recovery and if there is anything you can do to make it less stressful.

Is It Sadness or Depression?

Begin by helping your teen identify if there is a specific cause. Sometimes a teen who has been through a long depression is unable to discern between feeling depressed and feeling sad. They may think they are relapsing and becoming depressed again when, really, they are simply sad or disappointed due to a recent event. It can be a relief for your teen to realize that they can feel sad without it signaling a return of depression. Similarly, stress over an upcoming exam may be nothing more than what every other high school student is experiencing. They will come to learn that negative emotions are a part of normal life and are not necessarily a danger.

Relapse versus Setback

If, however, it seems that your teen is experiencing some of the symptoms they did when they were ill, contact the psychiatrist. Growing teens experience many physical and emotional changes and may need their medicine adjusted. Occasionally, a previously reliable medicine will stop working altogether. Watch closely while you wait for their psychiatry appointment. The early signs are often subtle and barely detectable to the patient or parent. If you think you are catching the symptoms early and it looks like your teen is relapsing, point out the difference between a setback and a relapse. With relapse, the patient ends up back where they were at their worst. With a setback, the patient regresses a little. Tell them that you and the therapist will help them to capitalize upon the skills they have learned so that they can quickly get back on track. Help them to maximize their odds of success by limiting any unnecessary stress in their life. Even postponing something like starting orthodontia treatment can provide the extra breathing room they currently need.

Get the School Involved

Notify the school immediately, even if your teen is not missing any school. Once alerted, the staff can work with the teachers. If it looks like your teen will miss a substantial amount of school, the counselor or caseworker may set up an individualized education plan (IEP) to form a plan of action for keeping them from getting too far behind. At home, remember to maintain your teen’s medicine log, recording as much detail as possible. It may help to review past episodes to remind yourself that setbacks eventually end.

Maintain Perspective

If your child does end up in full relapse, you have my sympathy. It is painful to relive the old feelings of confusion and fear, especially if your teen is back in the hospital. Although it can feel like failure, it is important to realize that a return to the hospital signals that serious healing has commenced. It may help to think of it as a booster shot, a necessary treatment to maintain wellness. It is not uncommon for someone with bipolar disorder or schizophrenia to require two or three days in the hospital once a year. If you think about it, it’s not much different from being laid up with a cold or a sinus infection.

Capitalize Upon Past Experience

Take heart, and point out to your teen all the things they have in their favor that they did not have last time. They know how the hospital treatment program works. They may have a working relationship with a good therapist. You have learned how to best help them. Encourage them by saying that you are more educated than you were before and that together they will get through it much quicker this time. There is an old saying that all good things must come to an end. All bad things must end too. There will be more good days soon.

Stay Positive

As your teen improves, remain watchful. Even though the worst of the symptoms are under control, your teen may be discouraged about their illness and contemplate suicide, especially if they have had more than one relapse. For example, a patient with chronic schizophrenia may recover from a hard relapse only to find themselves dreading the next. You may be feeling discouraged yourself, but for the moment, there is still work to do. Get your teen talking about recovery. Can you help them name five things they did right this time? The two of you might point out to each other new things you have learned, whether it is a feature of the illness or a strategy for taking their medicine at a more effective time. Acknowledging the fact that you made it through before and learned more about how to manage the illness should be encouraging for both of you.

Resume Activities

If your teen is free of symptoms but spends a lot of time complaining about having a mental illness and not being like other kids, it may be time to challenge them. Resuming a former activity such as music lessons or chores will take their mind off their anger and make them feel more in control of their life. Start off small and slowly build the expectations. Say encouraging things like, “You made it through your whole music lesson. Nice work.”  If your teen rebuffs your compliments, try the indirect approach, by describing the accomplishment to your spouse or a grandparent when your child is present. While I’m on the subject of motivating your teen, I highly recommend reading Bringing Out the Best in People, by Alan Loy McGinnis. This short book will give you quick insight into what to say to your teen to keep her feeling inspired and appreciated.

How You’ll Get Through It

Don’t forget to take care of yourself. If your boss is sympathetic, let her know that a relapse has occurred and that you expect things to go more smoothly this time. If your boss is not understanding and you have some vacation time, it might be a good idea to take a couple days off so you can meet with hospital staff, your family therapist, and the school. Try to do something nice for yourself during that time, whether it’s going to a movie or buying a magazine and a latte. It is often times like these that we most appreciate a close friend or relative who always knows the right thing to say. Indulge and unburden yourself, then remember to thank her the next day.

Recommended Books

Adolescent Depression: A Guide for Parents, by Francis Mark Mondimore MD
When Someone You Love Has a Mental Illness, by Rebecca Woolis, MFT
Bringing Out the Best in People, by Alan Loy McGinnis

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