Monthly Archives: March 2025

Facing Your Teen’s Illness / Troubling Issues — No Comments
08
Mar 25

The High Achiever Who Can No Longer Keep Up

CantAcceptDiagnosis.jpg“Ambitious students are often perfectionists, tending to see things in black or white.”

If your teen has always been an ambitious student, it can be devastating to witness their performance decline due to a mental illness. You will be a comfort to them if  you take a matter-of-fact attitude. Explain that the illness is overlying their gifts but that slowly, it will be peeled away and they will improve. Sympathize when they talk about their disappointment at not being able to maintain their grades and activities at their previous level. We all need to feel understood. But do not dwell on this part of the conversation for long. Instead, focus on what they can do.

Assess her Current Strengths

It can be helpful to create a list of skills that your teen still possesses.They may think of only academic strengths, but try to get your teen to include other attributes. For example:

  • Organizational skills
  • Well-liked
  • Ability to work with others
  • Loyal friends
  • Respect from her teachers
  • Public speaking skills

Set Goals for the Present

Until now, your teen may have looked to the future, making plans for college and an ambitious career. Encourage them to focus on the present and take things one semester at a time. If your teen has to make some concessions, such as dropping an advanced placement class, remind them that next semester may be different. For now, help them set a realistic goal for each class.

Work With the School

Your teen’s school counselor can become your new best friend if you let her know that your teen is going through a tough time. She can offer advice about course selection and even tailor her schedule to meet her needs. Your teen may benefit from a reduced course load, partial home study, or college courses that simultaneously provide college and high school credit. Many of these courses are less demanding than the high school advanced placement (AP) courses, and she can avoid the grueling and expensive AP tests. Just make sure you receive approval from the high school before your teen embarks on any outside coursework.

Put Perfectionism in Perspective

Ambitious students are often perfectionists, tending to see things in black or white. Help your teen understand that if they go easier on themselves, their work will still be as good as they can produce.Suggest that they create a mistake reservoir, a figurative place where they can dump any disappointing results and forget about them. They may decide, ahead of time, that they will allow themselves one B, three social gaffes, and two meltdowns this semester. If you think she should be kinder to herself, hold back. It’s the concept of self-forgiveness that matters for now.

Meanwhile, you can be a model for self-forgiveness by saying things like, “I meant to get the chicken in the oven before we left; oh well, I won’t worry about it now” or “I had hoped to get more work done, but I didn’t, so I’ll just do better tomorrow.” As subtle as it seems, your teen may pick up on your attitude.

Reassert her Dreams

Perhaps it has become clear to your teen that becoming the head of the neonatal unit at Harvard Medical School would be too stressful with their condition. Ask what they liked about the dream. They may say that they love children and want to help them. There are many ways to help children. Ask what they can do today to set themselves up for a future helping children. This can include academic classes, but it may also include volunteering or interviewing people who work with children as a school project.

Encourage Volunteerism or Part-Time Work

Your bright teen has probably become used to feeling a sense of self-worth for high achievements. Now, they may not feel as valuable. This is where volunteering can make a huge difference in their self image. There are many organizations that would welcome a smart, self-starter. If they cannot think of anything that interests them, check out your local National Alliance for Mental Illness (NAMI) center. They will meet other individuals who understand what they are going through and who are also on a positive path to recovery. They may also gain confidence from a part-time job, which will reinforce their sense of competency.

Redefine Your Expectations

There were times when my teens were struggling so much with their illnesses that I wondered if they had any academic future at all. What helped me most was to focus on the present and ask myself if my teen was currently learning. The answer, of course, was yes. I realized that I could not ask for more than that. Over time, my teens improved and were able to handle more work, but I stopped thinking in terms of timelines such as, “She has to have this grade-point-average by junior year.” The fact is, many young people do not even start college until they are in their mid-twenties. When they do, they are highly successful because they had time to mature. Try to think of your teen as a late bloomer and help them to enjoy where they are today. You’ll both look back one day and remember all of the good points.

 

Caring for Your Hurting Teen / Fostering Wellness and Growth / Troubling Issues — No Comments
06
Mar 25

Factors That Can Delay a Teen’s Emotional Recovery

Teenager“Keeping your depressed teen busy will energize them and stimulate their interest in life.”

Parents often feel that their teen has not returned to normal even after treatment for depression. It may seem like your teen can’t put the illness behind them and move on with life. For example, they may continue to sit in their bedroom playing video games, refusing to go out with friends or join school clubs. You may find yourself asking, “Shouldn’t he be better by now?”

Medically, he may be. But there are some factors that can keep a teen “stuck” even after depression has cleared up. This article explains some of these factors and provides ideas to help push your teen toward a more productive state.

Identifying With the Illness

If your teen was depressed for a long time, that state may have come to feel normal. Keep in mind that the illness was probably building for some time before you or they became aware of it. Two years may not seem long to you, but to the sixteen-year-old, it represents an eighth of their life. They may not even remember what life was like before the illness. Going through old photographs, family videos, or revisiting a special place can help stir up the way that normal used to feel for your teen.

Do not be afraid to gently confront your teen with the fact that they are not showing the signs of recovery you expected. Say something like, “I’ve noticed that you’re still doing similar things to those you did when you were ill, like playing video games and avoiding friends. We had talked about you joining the chess team or calling some of your old friends. Do you feel like it’s been difficult to get back into the swing of things?”

The question may take your teen by surprise. They may have never noticed that they are stuck. If so, remain gentle. Realizing that there is a problem is the first step forward. They may not run out to join a club or pick up the phone to call friends right away, but give it time. This is going to be a process. Be patient and, above all, encouraging.

If your teen disagrees that there is a problem, ask them to think about it and say you’ll bring it up again in one week. They clearly are not going to do anything about it on their own, so you must push them. The next time they see the therapist, go in with them and bring it up briefly, then let them talk about it. If your teen has stopped therapy, it’s possible that they told the therapist they feel better. It will be up to you to let her know that things are not okay.

When your teen is ready to admit that they need to move forward, have them tackle one thing at a time. They can attend a chess club meeting just to see if they like it, not necessarily to make a commitment to join. Change can be stressful, but a single weekly goal is manageable. Over time, you can remind them how uncomfortable they were walking into that first chess club meeting and how now they think nothing of it. Reassure them that today’s challenge will become a matter of ease before long too.

Lack of a Goal

Even if your teen had not experienced depression or another illness, they may have lost interest in their former friends or activities. Teens do change, but without a new interest or goal, they may remain stuck. Now might be the time to ask them about a career goal or other plan for their life. Enroll them in a class or buy books on their subject of interest. If they have no immediate interests, fill their schedule as much as possible with low-stress activities, such as volunteering at an animal shelter. Keeping your depressed teen busy will energize them and stimulate their interest in life.

Fear of Recovery

Some teens resist giving up their illness for deeper reasons. Maybe the illness has earned them special treatment in the family and they no longer have to do as many chores. Maybe it has brought you and your ex-husband together and they do not want to see that cease. If you have learned through therapy to relate to them better, they may worry that you’ll revert to your old ways if they let go of the illness. If you suspect something like this, you can bring it up on your own, but presenting it in a family therapy session or with their individual therapist has some advantages. The therapist can take note of it and incorporate it into her treatment plan.

Your own Resistance

If you find yourself balking at pushing your teen to move forward, either of two things may be occurring. You may be afraid of getting into a conflict with them, especially if they were angry with you in the past. Remember that you are still their parent and therefore responsible for speaking up in their best interests. When they were three they may not have wanted to brush their teeth either, but you insisted because it is your job to promote their well-being.

Your own comfort level may be keeping you from pushing your teen. Some parents find that they become closer to their teen when they are depressed or otherwise mentally ill and may not want to give that up. When my son started feeling better and going out with friends, I was surprised to hear my daughter say that she missed the depressed version of her brother because he was closer to her when he was ill. She felt guilty for feeling that way because she did not want him to be depressed, but her feelings were understandable. It can be hard for everyone to move on, even when it’s for the best.