“Maturity is a process, not a destination. We never really get there, but the closer we come, the better we are.”Most parents wish their teens were more mature. It makes life easier on ourselves and on them. Yet, maturity can seem so elusive. These five steps will help you and your teen to see the process of maturity in new ways.
Step #1 Reinforce Effort
When your teen does something mature, point it out. Say things like, “It was very unselfish of you to give up your bed when your cousin visited” or “Thank you for telling your brother he’ll get through math. It means more coming from you than it would if I said it.” Your words will be like fertilizer on a plant, so take every opportunity you see.
Step #2 Emphasize the Value of Mistakes
Our society makes too much of success. The fact is, most successes can be traced back to a series of failures. Think about the wonder drugs that were discovered because they didn’t work for the illness originally targeted. Failure is often our best teacher. If your teen has taken on an ambitious task, say you’re proud they tried. If they’re really upset, ask them if they wish they hadn’t tried. Even if the answer is yes, it will be half-hearted. Deep down, we treasure the things we’ve learned.
Use yourself as an example. You may be able to tell your teen about a recent time in which you learned from a mistake. People who can’t forgive themselves for errors often spend a lot of time defending themselves. Don’t worry that your teen will think less of you for slipping up. They are ready by now to understand that you are human too.
Step #3 Understand that Growth is Uncomfortable
As teens continue to take risks, make friends, try a new job, and more, they may become discouraged. A friend may let them down or a boss may dress them down. They may feel like they aren’t cut out for the goals they’ve set. Ask them to look at how far they’ve come. Maybe you both remember a time when they were scared to get out of the car for their first job interview. It would have been easier to stay at home and not take the risk, but they would have missed out on so much. Let them know that growth is uncomfortable but worth it. Maturity is a process, not a destination. We never really get there, but the closer we come, the better we are.
Step #4: Be a Model of Maturity
Look for opportunities to improve your own maturity. Many parents are inspired by their own kids to change. One mom vowed to stop gossiping after she noticed that her daughter refused to join the grapevine. A dad cursed another driver for going too slowly and thought twice after his son said, “He has an out-of-state license plate. Maybe he’s trying to figure out which way to turn.” If you scan the list of mature and immature behaviors, you might see an area in which you’d like to improve. Just remember what you preached to your teen: forgive yourself for slip-ups and move on.
Step #5: Cut Others Some Slack
We often say things without thinking. A driver cuts us off and we mutter, “That woman needs to learn how to drive.” Try following up with something like, “Well, actually, she does know how to drive, but it would have been nice if she hadn’t cut me off. I guess everybody makes mistakes.” As minor as it may sound, if you do this often enough, the effect upon your teen will be powerful. They will learn to forgive others, which will allow them to forgive their own mistakes, reducing their defensiveness. In short, they will become more mature.
This is Part V in a series on teen maturity. Read the others:
Helping Your Teen Mature (Part I)
Getting Through to Your Irrational Teen (Part II)
Building Social Skills in the Emotionally Ill Teen (Part III)
Six Strategies for Helping Your Teen Mature (Part IV)
Tags: Maturity & Social Skills