“Sometimes, teens have suppressed their depression for so long that once they realize they’re ill, they go from telling nobody to telling everybody.”When my son was hospitalized for depression, we realized that people might wonder why he was absent from school. I made some blunders, confiding in people who I thought would understand but who reacted with either a thoughtless remark or a quick departure. I have found that the best course is to provide just a little information and see how the person responds.
For now, avoid confiding in anyone whom you know likes to gossip, even if you think they will understand. Word passes quickly and sometimes people need to talk about distressing things that they don’t understand without intending any harm. In no time at all, the news can travel from a neighborhood mom to the kids at school.
Encourage your teen to talk about their struggles to you, their therapist, and teens in their support group, if they have one. Sometimes, teens have suppressed their depression for so long that once they realize they’re ill, they go from telling nobody to telling everybody. This is especially true if they have been in a peer-to-peer treatment program and have come to rely upon other teens who understand. However, when they return to school, the kids there may not understand at all. They may handle it insensitively or avoid the teen altogether.
If you find yourself resenting the need to hide what is going on, I understand. We shouldn’t have to conceal emotional problems. But keep in mind that many otherwise kind and compassionate people have no experience with mental illness. We are still in the dark ages with brain diseases. Try to be forgiving and move on, doing only what is best for you and your family. Remember, you can always tell somebody later, but you cannot take it back.
If You Choose to Conceal the Illness
It may be easier than you expect to conceal your teen’s illness, especially early on while you’re getting your bearings. Simply say that your teen is ill. We did this in our family and I was surprised at how well people respected the simple statement. Absolutely nobody pressed for more details. If someone does push you, say something vague like, “You are so kind to ask about Joey. I’m sure he’ll be back in school soon.” If necessary, feel free to simply say, “It’s private. I hope you understand. Thanks for your concern.”
Should you Tell Your Relatives?
Relatives may have an especially tough time with the news that a child is struggling mentally. Since you are the most important person on your child’s treatment team, you have to ask yourself this question when considering whether to share the news with close relatives:
Is their reaction likely to be helpful or unhelpful?
If you think your relatives will be supportive and helpful, go ahead and tell them. If you think they may be critical or unsympathetic to your teen, hold off for now. If you aren’t sure how they’ll react, give it a little time. My husband and I decided to hold off on telling our parents, partly because we didn’t know exactly what was wrong and partly because we didn’t want them to worry. A year or so later, when our son was doing well, I let them know what had happened. The choice is yours and your spouse’s. You may choose to tell one set of parents and not the other for the time being.
One advantage of telling the grandparents is that they may be able to give you a more complete family history. You may be surprised to learn that one of your relatives has battled depression or bipolar disorder, for example. You may even hit the jackpot and get the name of a medicine that worked for the ill relative. Families share a similar biology and often benefit from the same medicine, so share the details with your teen’s psychiatrist.
Confiding in Professional Acquaintances
It is generally safe to confide in teachers, your child’s pediatrician, and your spiritual leader because they adhere to confidentiality standards. When my son was ill, his youth minister visited him in the hospital, and she was a great source of support for me too. If you have a friend who is a therapist, she may be willing to lend a listening ear while following her own code of ethics regarding confidentiality.
Coworkers or your boss fall into a different category. These individuals may resent you being out of the office because your teen is ill. It is an unfortunate reality that sympathy tends to be in even shorter supply when the illness is something like depression. If you will need to miss work on a regular basis and you feel it is best to prepare your boss, tell him the minimum amount necessary. For example, if you have to take your son to a therapy appointment every Thursday at 3:00 p.m., say something like, “I’m dealing with a family matter that will require me to be out of the office every Thursday from 2:30 to 4:30. Can I skip lunch that day and work an hour later?” If your boss knows what to expect, he or she will not be left wondering when you will next disappear or show up. If your boss seems sympathetic and you want to provide more information, you can say, “My son is going through a bad time and I want to support him emotionally.”
If you Have Told the Wrong Person
Not everyone can handle the news of a mental illness well. If you regret telling someone, try to be compassionate. Yes, it is a lot to ask, but it will do you no good to stew over the unkind things someone inadvertently said. When I went through this, I would mentally picture all of the people who had been helpful to us, from friends to teachers to mental health care professionals. That helped me to shake off the pain and move on.
Dealing With Gossip
If you and your teen have decided to keep the illness private and people are gossiping, you may feel violated. A two-step approach is helpful here. First, try to understand that the gossip may not be intended to hurt you. It could simply be that gossiping makes the person feel important or helps her to think of problems other than her own. Second, approach the person and politely ask her to please stop. The second step may sound simpler than it is. You may be afraid that the person will try to deny it or become angry. With the right approach, this need not occur. Simply call the person and say, “It got back to me that you told someone about the problem my son is having. We’re trying to keep it private, so I hope you don’t mind me asking you about it.” If she denies saying anything, say, “Thank you for reassuring me. I really appreciate your discretion. I won’t trouble you any further.” She will get the point. If she expresses anger (about anything), say, “I’m sorry I upset you. That wasn’t my goal. Thank you for listening, and I’ll let you go now.”
“…you are growing into the demands of the role even if it doesn’t feel like it today.”