“Ambitious students are often perfectionists, tending to see things in black or white.”If your teen has always been an ambitious student, it can be devastating to witness their performance decline due to a mental illness. You will be a comfort to them if you take a matter-of-fact attitude. Explain that the illness is overlying their gifts but that slowly, it will be peeled away and they will improve. Sympathize when they talk about their disappointment at not being able to maintain their grades and activities at their previous level. We all need to feel understood. But do not dwell on this part of the conversation for long. Instead, focus on what they can do.
Assess her Current Strengths
It can be helpful to create a list of skills that your teen still possesses.They may think of only academic strengths, but try to get your teen to include other attributes. For example:
- Organizational skills
- Well-liked
- Ability to work with others
- Loyal friends
- Respect from her teachers
- Public speaking skills
Set Goals for the Present
Until now, your teen may have looked to the future, making plans for college and an ambitious career. Encourage them to focus on the present and take things one semester at a time. If your teen has to make some concessions, such as dropping an advanced placement class, remind them that next semester may be different. For now, help them set a realistic goal for each class.
Work With the School
Your teen’s school counselor can become your new best friend if you let her know that your teen is going through a tough time. She can offer advice about course selection and even tailor her schedule to meet her needs. Your teen may benefit from a reduced course load, partial home study, or college courses that simultaneously provide college and high school credit. Many of these courses are less demanding than the high school advanced placement (AP) courses, and she can avoid the grueling and expensive AP tests. Just make sure you receive approval from the high school before your teen embarks on any outside coursework.
Put Perfectionism in Perspective
Ambitious students are often perfectionists, tending to see things in black or white. Help your teen understand that if they go easier on themselves, their work will still be as good as they can produce.Suggest that they create a mistake reservoir, a figurative place where they can dump any disappointing results and forget about them. They may decide, ahead of time, that they will allow themselves one B, three social gaffes, and two meltdowns this semester. If you think she should be kinder to herself, hold back. It’s the concept of self-forgiveness that matters for now.
Meanwhile, you can be a model for self-forgiveness by saying things like, “I meant to get the chicken in the oven before we left; oh well, I won’t worry about it now” or “I had hoped to get more work done, but I didn’t, so I’ll just do better tomorrow.” As subtle as it seems, your teen may pick up on your attitude.
Reassert her Dreams
Perhaps it has become clear to your teen that becoming the head of the neonatal unit at Harvard Medical School would be too stressful with their condition. Ask what they liked about the dream. They may say that they love children and want to help them. There are many ways to help children. Ask what they can do today to set themselves up for a future helping children. This can include academic classes, but it may also include volunteering or interviewing people who work with children as a school project.
Encourage Volunteerism or Part-Time Work
Your bright teen has probably become used to feeling a sense of self-worth for high achievements. Now, they may not feel as valuable. This is where volunteering can make a huge difference in their self image. There are many organizations that would welcome a smart, self-starter. If they cannot think of anything that interests them, check out your local National Alliance for Mental Illness (NAMI) center. They will meet other individuals who understand what they are going through and who are also on a positive path to recovery. They may also gain confidence from a part-time job, which will reinforce their sense of competency.
Redefine Your Expectations
There were times when my teens were struggling so much with their illnesses that I wondered if they had any academic future at all. What helped me most was to focus on the present and ask myself if my teen was currently learning. The answer, of course, was yes. I realized that I could not ask for more than that. Over time, my teens improved and were able to handle more work, but I stopped thinking in terms of timelines such as, “She has to have this grade-point-average by junior year.” The fact is, many young people do not even start college until they are in their mid-twenties. When they do, they are highly successful because they had time to mature. Try to think of your teen as a late bloomer and help them to enjoy where they are today. You’ll both look back one day and remember all of the good points.
“As hurt as you feel, your teen is also deeply pained at disappointing you.”