Troubling Issues

Caring for Your Hurting Teen / Facing Your Teen’s Illness / Troubling Issues — Comments Off on Caregiver Burnout Does Not Mean Not Caring
26
Apr 24

Caregiver Burnout Does Not Mean Not Caring

Teenager“Mentally tell yourself “Stop!” whenever you catch yourself ruminating. It won’t work the first time or the second time, but if you do it often enough, more time will elapse between each event until it finally recedes.”

The symptoms of caregiver burnout are strikingly similar to those of depression: withdrawal from social activities, irritability, hopelessness, changes in appetite, weight, or sleep, and exhaustion. I personally realized I was experiencing burnout when I kept making silly mistakes, forgetting things, and having trouble making plans or decisions. I found I wasn’t handling even tiny disappointments well and couldn’t seem to bounce back from the setbacks of my kids’ illnesses. I was losing my resiliency. That worried me because I still cared deeply, and I knew I needed to function and feel better in order to look after my family.

Caregiver burnout does not mean not caring. Rather, it is a signal to pay attention to ourselves. Here are a few strategies for getting your own mental health back on track.

Start With Your Health

It may be simplest to start by addressing any physical complaints that have accrued. It is a good time to see your physician for a check-up, possibly blood work, and a discussion of your ailments. It is possible that you may need medicine to address any depression or anxiety you have developed. For a caregiver, this can be a devastating notion. We do not want to be the sick ones because we have a teen to look after. But using a little bit of medicine for a short time, under the guidance of a doctor, can help you get back on track faster.

Try to get back into an exercise routine, even if it is only a twenty-minute walk after lunch. Getting out of the office or house will clear your head, and getting your heart pumping will immediately make you feel better. Establishing even this small routine of self-care will help to make you feel more in control of your situation.

If you have been drinking caffeine or eating sugar for energy, see if you can cut back now. Tackle just one thing. For example, if you’ve been eating primarily carbohydrates, try to make just one meal a day include more protein and vegetables and less sugar or starch. The good food you consume will reinforce that you are doing something good for yourself. Keep in mind that caffeine and sugar are addictive, so the less you have of them, the less you crave them. Be patient with yourself while you cut back. In a couple of weeks, the cravings will subside.

Make Time for Your Spouse or Friend

If you are married, you may feel that you and your spouse have drifted apart during your teen’s crisis. Try scheduling a weekly date night or even something simple like a Sunday morning walk. Similarly, you may want to reconnect with a special friend whom you’ve drifted apart from while your teen was ill. If you feel you need to explain your absence, simply say that you were in crisis with your teen but that things are better now and you’ve missed him/her.

Rebuild Your Job

Many parents find that they do not feel the same about their job once their teen becomes ill. Perhaps you need more flexibility or you want to be closer to home. If your teen is beginning to stabilize, why not put your resume together and send it out? It may take several months before a job change materializes, but the hope of a fresh start can be encouraging, especially if you are spending time focusing on your strengths.

Improve Your Mental Health

Until now, you may have been working with your teen’s therapist. But maybe it is time for you to see your own therapist, who can help you process what you have been through. Your teen’s therapist may be able to recommend someone who can help. Some parents find that they are comfortable with one of the therapists that didn’t work out for their teen and they give them a try.

Stop Worrying

Some parents find that they have developed a habit of worrying. You may catch yourself fretting about things that could happen to your teen. If you can honestly say that you’re doing everything you can to help your teen, replace the worry with something more positive and realistic. You may be able to picture your teen where they are at the moment: with friends in their room or in band after school. Remind yourself to enjoy the way things are now.

Be firm with yourself when you notice your thoughts turning to doom. Mentally tell yourself “Stop!” whenever you catch yourself ruminating. It won’t work the first time or the second time, but if you do it often enough, more time will elapse between each event until it finally recedes.

Establish a Soothing Routine

When my daughter was going through a difficult relapse, she gave me all of the Jane Austen DVD’s for Christmas. I found that watching these humorous stories wherein the heroine’s greatest struggle is to find a husband was a nice respite from my complicated problems at home. You may be able to find a routine that helps you relax, such as reading the evening newspaper or going for a walk after dinner.

Take Your Mind off of Everything

There are a few activities in which you simply must forget all of your problems for the hour or so that you do them. For example, swimming or an exercise class. You could also take a course in cooking or something else that is fun. Your local high school or community center may offer some enjoyable options that are close to home. If you don’t want to go out, a hobby at home such as painting or playing a musical instrument can help you to forget your troubles. It will also make you more interesting to your teen and to your family. After all, you have to be more than just a caregiver.

Make a List

While you go through your own convalescence, so to speak, make a list of all the good things in your life. You can do this daily, if you like, maybe before you go to sleep. Throughout the day, if you feel sad or stressed, ask yourself to focus on one thing that is working for your teen right now. Focus on this as you go about your activities. Maybe someone will smile at you, thinking that you are smiling at them.

Finally, be honest with yourself about your expectations of both yourself and your teen. If you focus too much on what still needs to be fixed, you will miss out on celebrating the high points of your teen’s success. If you have found that your teen’s progress seems slow or inadequate, perhaps it’s time to re-calibrate your expectations. For example, rather than expecting your teen to be well enough to return to school this coming semester, plan on her returning the following semester. One of the best pieces of advice I ever got was to simply change my expectations. It works wonders.

 

Facing Your Teen’s Illness / Troubling Issues — Comments Off on The High Achiever Who Can No Longer Keep Up
24
Apr 24

The High Achiever Who Can No Longer Keep Up

CantAcceptDiagnosis.jpg“Ambitious students are often perfectionists, tending to see things in black or white.”

If your teen has always been an ambitious student, it can be devastating to witness their performance decline due to a mental illness. You will be a comfort to them if  you take a matter-of-fact attitude. Explain that the illness is overlying their gifts but that slowly, it will be peeled away and they will improve. Sympathize when they talk about their disappointment at not being able to maintain their grades and activities at their previous level. We all need to feel understood. But do not dwell on this part of the conversation for long. Instead, focus on what they can do.

Assess her Current Strengths

It can be helpful to create a list of skills that your teen still possesses.They may think of only academic strengths, but try to get your teen to include other attributes. For example:

  • Organizational skills
  • Well-liked
  • Ability to work with others
  • Loyal friends
  • Respect from her teachers
  • Public speaking skills

Set Goals for the Present

Until now, your teen may have looked to the future, making plans for college and an ambitious career. Encourage them to focus on the present and take things one semester at a time. If your teen has to make some concessions, such as dropping an advanced placement class, remind them that next semester may be different. For now, help them set a realistic goal for each class.

Work With the School

Your teen’s school counselor can become your new best friend if you let her know that your teen is going through a tough time. She can offer advice about course selection and even tailor her schedule to meet her needs. Your teen may benefit from a reduced course load, partial home study, or college courses that simultaneously provide college and high school credit. Many of these courses are less demanding than the high school advanced placement (AP) courses, and she can avoid the grueling and expensive AP tests. Just make sure you receive approval from the high school before your teen embarks on any outside coursework.

Put Perfectionism in Perspective

Ambitious students are often perfectionists, tending to see things in black or white. Help your teen understand that if they go easier on themselves, their work will still be as good as they can produce.Suggest that they create a mistake reservoir, a figurative place where they can dump any disappointing results and forget about them. They may decide, ahead of time, that they will allow themselves one B, three social gaffes, and two meltdowns this semester. If you think she should be kinder to herself, hold back. It’s the concept of self-forgiveness that matters for now.

Meanwhile, you can be a model for self-forgiveness by saying things like, “I meant to get the chicken in the oven before we left; oh well, I won’t worry about it now” or “I had hoped to get more work done, but I didn’t, so I’ll just do better tomorrow.” As subtle as it seems, your teen may pick up on your attitude.

Reassert her Dreams

Perhaps it has become clear to your teen that becoming the head of the neonatal unit at Harvard Medical School would be too stressful with their condition. Ask what they liked about the dream. They may say that they love children and want to help them. There are many ways to help children. Ask what they can do today to set themselves up for a future helping children. This can include academic classes, but it may also include volunteering or interviewing people who work with children as a school project.

Encourage Volunteerism or Part-Time Work

Your bright teen has probably become used to feeling a sense of self-worth for high achievements. Now, they may not feel as valuable. This is where volunteering can make a huge difference in their self image. There are many organizations that would welcome a smart, self-starter. If they cannot think of anything that interests them, check out your local National Alliance for Mental Illness (NAMI) center. They will meet other individuals who understand what they are going through and who are also on a positive path to recovery. They may also gain confidence from a part-time job, which will reinforce their sense of competency.

Redefine Your Expectations

There were times when my teens were struggling so much with their illnesses that I wondered if they had any academic future at all. What helped me most was to focus on the present and ask myself if my teen was currently learning. The answer, of course, was yes. I realized that I could not ask for more than that. Over time, my teens improved and were able to handle more work, but I stopped thinking in terms of timelines such as, “She has to have this grade-point-average by junior year.” The fact is, many young people do not even start college until they are in their mid-twenties. When they do, they are highly successful because they had time to mature. Try to think of your teen as a late bloomer and help them to enjoy where they are today. You’ll both look back one day and remember all of the good points.

 

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