“Once the therapist understands your position, you can both broaden your perspective.”For many parents, hiring a therapist for their teen is a big step. This is especially true if you’ve never been in therapy yourself. You may not understand how therapy works or you may worry it will be a doorway to new conflicts and resentments. The goal of therapy is to make things better. Sometimes that requires the examination of unpleasant feelings so that they can be resolved. But what if your therapist makes a recommendation that feels flat-out wrong to you?
Your therapist is human and therefore may have missed some factors in making a recommendation. Ask yourself these questions about your therapist:
Does Your Therapist Understand Your Family’s Culture?
If your therapist comes from a different culture or religion, they may not understand certain family norms. Granted, these values may be worth examining and even modifying, but first make sure your therapist understands that they exist. Don’t be afraid to say, “That goes against our family’s beliefs.” On the other hand, be prepared to listen. Maybe some of those beliefs are worth modifying.
Does Your Therapist Understand Your Family’s Economic Restraints?
Therapists may make recommendations that are simply not financially realistic. For example, you may be able to afford your therapist’s recommendation that your teen attend a particular summer camp, but if that would mean no vacation for the rest of the family, it’s not reasonable. Don’t be afraid to say you can’t afford it.
Does Your Therapist Understand Logistical Constraints?
A therapist once recommended that we send our son to a charter school for the arts. It was an hour from home each way and we lived across the street from a nationally-recognized high school. We weren’t even in the charter school’s district, so we would have had to move. Don’t be afraid to say no to an idea that would only create new stress.
Does Your Therapist’s Recommendation Feel Wrong?
Sometimes therapists recommend that parents step back and let their teen do what they want. The hope here is that the teen will develop greater independence and maturity and learn from their mistakes. Ask yourself what is the worst that can happen. Then ask yourself how different that would be from ordinary life. For example, your teen wants to drive across the country with a friend. They could get in a car wreck. How is that different from them driving to their part-time job on the freeway three times a week? On the other hand, if you know your teen’s road partner drives drunk or high, you have a strong argument against the idea.
Tell your teen you want them to try new things and that you need them to work with you to create a plan that is comfortable for you. Often, teens see your “no” as not wanting them to have fun until you explain that you are afraid for their safety. Once they understand that you love and care about them, they can be surprisingly compassionate–and creative about solutions.
Has Your Teen’s Therapist Assumed Too Much Authority?
You hired a professional for a reason. You want that person to be knowledgeable, experienced, and to make a positive difference in your family. But your therapist is not the new head of your family. You do not have to go along with every suggestion. If their suggestions begin to look more like mandates, don’t blindly follow along. Talk about your own feelings. Once the therapist understands your position, you can both broaden your perspective. In the rare case that the therapist is inflexible, it may be time to look for someone new.
“Work on one issue at a time, taking advantage of brief visits during your teen’s therapy sessions to get feedback on what is causing the most distress.”