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Caring for Your Hurting Teen / Facing Your Teen’s Illness / Troubling Issues — Comments Off on Caregiver Burnout Does Not Mean Not Caring
11
Mar 25

Caregiver Burnout Does Not Mean Not Caring

Teenager“Mentally tell yourself “Stop!” whenever you catch yourself ruminating. It won’t work the first time or the second time, but if you do it often enough, more time will elapse between each event until it finally recedes.”

The symptoms of caregiver burnout are strikingly similar to those of depression: withdrawal from social activities, irritability, hopelessness, changes in appetite, weight, or sleep, and exhaustion. I personally realized I was experiencing burnout when I kept making silly mistakes, forgetting things, and having trouble making plans or decisions. I found I wasn’t handling even tiny disappointments well and couldn’t seem to bounce back from the setbacks of my kids’ illnesses. I was losing my resiliency. That worried me because I still cared deeply, and I knew I needed to function and feel better in order to look after my family.

Caregiver burnout does not mean not caring. Rather, it is a signal to pay attention to ourselves. Here are a few strategies for getting your own mental health back on track.

Start With Your Health

It may be simplest to start by addressing any physical complaints that have accrued. It is a good time to see your physician for a check-up, possibly blood work, and a discussion of your ailments. It is possible that you may need medicine to address any depression or anxiety you have developed. For a caregiver, this can be a devastating notion. We do not want to be the sick ones because we have a teen to look after. But using a little bit of medicine for a short time, under the guidance of a doctor, can help you get back on track faster.

Try to get back into an exercise routine, even if it is only a twenty-minute walk after lunch. Getting out of the office or house will clear your head, and getting your heart pumping will immediately make you feel better. Establishing even this small routine of self-care will help to make you feel more in control of your situation.

If you have been drinking caffeine or eating sugar for energy, see if you can cut back now. Tackle just one thing. For example, if you’ve been eating primarily carbohydrates, try to make just one meal a day include more protein and vegetables and less sugar or starch. The good food you consume will reinforce that you are doing something good for yourself. Keep in mind that caffeine and sugar are addictive, so the less you have of them, the less you crave them. Be patient with yourself while you cut back. In a couple of weeks, the cravings will subside.

Make Time for Your Spouse or Friend

If you are married, you may feel that you and your spouse have drifted apart during your teen’s crisis. Try scheduling a weekly date night or even something simple like a Sunday morning walk. Similarly, you may want to reconnect with a special friend whom you’ve drifted apart from while your teen was ill. If you feel you need to explain your absence, simply say that you were in crisis with your teen but that things are better now and you’ve missed him/her.

Rebuild Your Job

Many parents find that they do not feel the same about their job once their teen becomes ill. Perhaps you need more flexibility or you want to be closer to home. If your teen is beginning to stabilize, why not put your resume together and send it out? It may take several months before a job change materializes, but the hope of a fresh start can be encouraging, especially if you are spending time focusing on your strengths.

Improve Your Mental Health

Until now, you may have been working with your teen’s therapist. But maybe it is time for you to see your own therapist, who can help you process what you have been through. Your teen’s therapist may be able to recommend someone who can help. Some parents find that they are comfortable with one of the therapists that didn’t work out for their teen and they give them a try.

Stop Worrying

Some parents find that they have developed a habit of worrying. You may catch yourself fretting about things that could happen to your teen. If you can honestly say that you’re doing everything you can to help your teen, replace the worry with something more positive and realistic. You may be able to picture your teen where they are at the moment: with friends in their room or in band after school. Remind yourself to enjoy the way things are now.

Be firm with yourself when you notice your thoughts turning to doom. Mentally tell yourself “Stop!” whenever you catch yourself ruminating. It won’t work the first time or the second time, but if you do it often enough, more time will elapse between each event until it finally recedes.

Establish a Soothing Routine

When my daughter was going through a difficult relapse, she gave me all of the Jane Austen DVD’s for Christmas. I found that watching these humorous stories wherein the heroine’s greatest struggle is to find a husband was a nice respite from my complicated problems at home. You may be able to find a routine that helps you relax, such as reading the evening newspaper or going for a walk after dinner.

Take Your Mind off of Everything

There are a few activities in which you simply must forget all of your problems for the hour or so that you do them. For example, swimming or an exercise class. You could also take a course in cooking or something else that is fun. Your local high school or community center may offer some enjoyable options that are close to home. If you don’t want to go out, a hobby at home such as painting or playing a musical instrument can help you to forget your troubles. It will also make you more interesting to your teen and to your family. After all, you have to be more than just a caregiver.

Make a List

While you go through your own convalescence, so to speak, make a list of all the good things in your life. You can do this daily, if you like, maybe before you go to sleep. Throughout the day, if you feel sad or stressed, ask yourself to focus on one thing that is working for your teen right now. Focus on this as you go about your activities. Maybe someone will smile at you, thinking that you are smiling at them.

Finally, be honest with yourself about your expectations of both yourself and your teen. If you focus too much on what still needs to be fixed, you will miss out on celebrating the high points of your teen’s success. If you have found that your teen’s progress seems slow or inadequate, perhaps it’s time to re-calibrate your expectations. For example, rather than expecting your teen to be well enough to return to school this coming semester, plan on her returning the following semester. One of the best pieces of advice I ever got was to simply change my expectations. It works wonders.

 

Caring for Your Hurting Teen / Fostering Wellness and Growth / Troubling Issues — Comments Off on Factors That Can Delay a Teen’s Emotional Recovery
06
Mar 25

Factors That Can Delay a Teen’s Emotional Recovery

Teenager“Keeping your depressed teen busy will energize them and stimulate their interest in life.”

Parents often feel that their teen has not returned to normal even after treatment for depression. It may seem like your teen can’t put the illness behind them and move on with life. For example, they may continue to sit in their bedroom playing video games, refusing to go out with friends or join school clubs. You may find yourself asking, “Shouldn’t he be better by now?”

Medically, he may be. But there are some factors that can keep a teen “stuck” even after depression has cleared up. This article explains some of these factors and provides ideas to help push your teen toward a more productive state.

Identifying With the Illness

If your teen was depressed for a long time, that state may have come to feel normal. Keep in mind that the illness was probably building for some time before you or they became aware of it. Two years may not seem long to you, but to the sixteen-year-old, it represents an eighth of their life. They may not even remember what life was like before the illness. Going through old photographs, family videos, or revisiting a special place can help stir up the way that normal used to feel for your teen.

Do not be afraid to gently confront your teen with the fact that they are not showing the signs of recovery you expected. Say something like, “I’ve noticed that you’re still doing similar things to those you did when you were ill, like playing video games and avoiding friends. We had talked about you joining the chess team or calling some of your old friends. Do you feel like it’s been difficult to get back into the swing of things?”

The question may take your teen by surprise. They may have never noticed that they are stuck. If so, remain gentle. Realizing that there is a problem is the first step forward. They may not run out to join a club or pick up the phone to call friends right away, but give it time. This is going to be a process. Be patient and, above all, encouraging.

If your teen disagrees that there is a problem, ask them to think about it and say you’ll bring it up again in one week. They clearly are not going to do anything about it on their own, so you must push them. The next time they see the therapist, go in with them and bring it up briefly, then let them talk about it. If your teen has stopped therapy, it’s possible that they told the therapist they feel better. It will be up to you to let her know that things are not okay.

When your teen is ready to admit that they need to move forward, have them tackle one thing at a time. They can attend a chess club meeting just to see if they like it, not necessarily to make a commitment to join. Change can be stressful, but a single weekly goal is manageable. Over time, you can remind them how uncomfortable they were walking into that first chess club meeting and how now they think nothing of it. Reassure them that today’s challenge will become a matter of ease before long too.

Lack of a Goal

Even if your teen had not experienced depression or another illness, they may have lost interest in their former friends or activities. Teens do change, but without a new interest or goal, they may remain stuck. Now might be the time to ask them about a career goal or other plan for their life. Enroll them in a class or buy books on their subject of interest. If they have no immediate interests, fill their schedule as much as possible with low-stress activities, such as volunteering at an animal shelter. Keeping your depressed teen busy will energize them and stimulate their interest in life.

Fear of Recovery

Some teens resist giving up their illness for deeper reasons. Maybe the illness has earned them special treatment in the family and they no longer have to do as many chores. Maybe it has brought you and your ex-husband together and they do not want to see that cease. If you have learned through therapy to relate to them better, they may worry that you’ll revert to your old ways if they let go of the illness. If you suspect something like this, you can bring it up on your own, but presenting it in a family therapy session or with their individual therapist has some advantages. The therapist can take note of it and incorporate it into her treatment plan.

Your own Resistance

If you find yourself balking at pushing your teen to move forward, either of two things may be occurring. You may be afraid of getting into a conflict with them, especially if they were angry with you in the past. Remember that you are still their parent and therefore responsible for speaking up in their best interests. When they were three they may not have wanted to brush their teeth either, but you insisted because it is your job to promote their well-being.

Your own comfort level may be keeping you from pushing your teen. Some parents find that they become closer to their teen when they are depressed or otherwise mentally ill and may not want to give that up. When my son started feeling better and going out with friends, I was surprised to hear my daughter say that she missed the depressed version of her brother because he was closer to her when he was ill. She felt guilty for feeling that way because she did not want him to be depressed, but her feelings were understandable. It can be hard for everyone to move on, even when it’s for the best.

 

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