16
Oct 24

What Do you Tell People if Your Teen is Emotionally Ill?

Teenager“Sometimes, teens have suppressed their depression for so long that once they realize they’re ill, they go from telling nobody to telling everybody.”

When my son was hospitalized for depression, we realized that people might wonder why he was absent from school. I made some blunders, confiding in people who I thought would understand but who reacted with either a thoughtless remark or a quick departure. I have found that the best course is to provide just a little information and see how the person responds.

For now, avoid confiding in anyone whom you know likes to gossip, even if you think they will understand. Word passes quickly and sometimes people need to talk about distressing things that they don’t understand without intending any harm. In no time at all, the news can travel from a neighborhood mom to the kids at school.

Encourage your teen to talk about their struggles to you, their therapist, and teens in their support group, if they have one. Sometimes, teens have suppressed their depression for so long that once they realize they’re ill, they go from telling nobody to telling everybody. This is especially true if they have been in a peer-to-peer treatment program and have come to rely upon other teens who understand. However, when they return to school, the kids there may not understand at all. They may handle it insensitively or avoid the teen altogether.

If you find yourself resenting the need to hide what is going on, I understand. We shouldn’t have to conceal emotional problems. But keep in mind that many otherwise kind and compassionate people have no experience with mental illness. We are still in the dark ages with brain diseases. Try to be forgiving and move on, doing only what is best for you and your family. Remember, you can always tell somebody later, but you cannot take it back.

If You Choose to Conceal the Illness

It may be easier than you expect to conceal your teen’s illness, especially early on while you’re getting your bearings. Simply say that your teen is ill. We did this in our family and I was surprised at how well people respected the simple statement. Absolutely nobody pressed for more details. If someone does push you, say something vague like, “You are so kind to ask about Joey. I’m sure he’ll be back in school soon.”  If necessary, feel free to simply say, “It’s private. I hope you understand. Thanks for your concern.”

Should you Tell Your Relatives?

Relatives may have an especially tough time with the news that a child is struggling mentally. Since you are the most important person on your child’s treatment team, you have to ask yourself this question when considering whether to share the news with close relatives:

Is their reaction likely to be helpful or unhelpful?

If you think your relatives will be supportive and helpful, go ahead and tell them. If you think they may be critical or unsympathetic to your teen, hold off for now. If you aren’t sure how they’ll react, give it a little time. My husband and I decided to hold off on telling our parents, partly because we didn’t know exactly what was wrong and partly because we didn’t want them to worry. A year or so later, when our son was doing well, I let them know what had happened. The choice is yours and your spouse’s. You may choose to tell one set of parents and not the other for the time being.

One advantage of telling the grandparents is that they may be able to give you a more complete family history. You may be surprised to learn that one of your relatives has battled depression or bipolar disorder, for example. You may even hit the jackpot and get the name of a medicine that worked for the ill relative. Families share a similar biology and often benefit from the same medicine, so share the details with your teen’s psychiatrist.

Confiding in Professional Acquaintances

It is generally safe to confide in teachers, your child’s pediatrician, and your spiritual leader because they adhere to confidentiality standards. When my son was ill, his youth minister visited him in the hospital, and she was a great source of support for me too. If you have a friend who is a therapist, she may be willing to lend a listening ear while following her own code of ethics regarding confidentiality.

Coworkers or your boss fall into a different category. These individuals may resent you being out of the office because your teen is ill. It is an unfortunate reality that sympathy tends to be in even shorter supply when the illness is something like depression. If you will need to miss work on a regular basis and you feel it is best to prepare your boss, tell him the minimum amount necessary. For example, if you have to take your son to a therapy appointment every Thursday at 3:00 p.m., say something like, “I’m dealing with a family matter that will require me to be out of the office every Thursday from 2:30 to 4:30. Can I skip lunch that day and work an hour later?” If your boss knows what to expect, he or she will not be left wondering when you will next disappear or show up. If your boss seems sympathetic and you want to provide more information, you can say, “My son is going through a bad time and I want to support him emotionally.”

If you Have Told the Wrong Person

Not everyone can handle the news of a mental illness well. If you regret telling someone, try to be compassionate. Yes, it is a lot to ask, but it will do you no good to stew over the unkind things someone inadvertently said. When I went through this, I would mentally picture all of the people who had been helpful to us, from friends to teachers to mental health care professionals. That helped me to shake off the pain and move on.

Dealing With Gossip

If you and your teen have decided to keep the illness private and people are gossiping, you may feel violated. A two-step approach is helpful here. First, try to understand that the gossip may not be intended to hurt you. It could simply be that gossiping makes the person feel important or helps her to think of problems other than her own. Second, approach the person and politely ask her to please stop. The second step may sound simpler than it is. You may be afraid that the person will try to deny it or become angry. With the right approach, this need not occur. Simply call the person and say, “It got back to me that you told someone about the problem my son is having. We’re trying to keep it private, so I hope you don’t mind me asking you about it.” If she denies saying anything, say, “Thank you for reassuring me. I really appreciate your discretion. I won’t trouble you any further.” She will get the point. If she expresses anger (about anything), say, “I’m sorry I upset you. That wasn’t my goal. Thank you for listening, and I’ll let you go now.”


19
Apr 24

Why Teens Can’t Tell You That They’re Suicidal

Teenager“The best way to ask if your teen is suicidal is to simply say you’re concerned.”

How can you tell if your teen is suicidal? Normally, our kids tell us if they have a headache or strain a muscle. Yet some teens cannot bring themselves to confide this scary fact. If we are lucky, we may get the information from our teen’s friend or therapist or from a school counselor. Why is it that they cannot tell us directly?

It is easy to forget how very deeply teens crave our approval. After all, they don’t act as if they need it. But deep down, most teens don’t want to disappoint us. The thought of seeing the shock and distress on our faces is often too much. So they hide it. Even if we ask them outright, they may balk in the face of opportunity. They convince both us and themselves that they are okay when really they need help.

Teens may also fear a different type of reaction: dismissal. As one teen explained, “My mother tried to talk me out of it. She said I didn’t really mean it and eventually got me to agree that I wasn’t really suicidal. But I was.” Another teen says, “I would never tell my parents I’m suicidal. They’d tell me it’s a sin to commit suicide and I’ll burn in hell. I already feel like I’m in hell so why should I care it’s a sin? They’ll find out after I do it.” If neither denial nor threats nor asking our teens outright to confide in us works, what are we left with?

Often teens will tell a friend and the facts will get to us somehow. But if your teen doesn’t have a close friend, trusted teacher or counselor, or therapist, there may be no one to turn to. Yet, chances are that if you’re reading this article, you’ve received some sort of clue. Follow up. Go to your teen and broach the subject. Don’t be afraid of “planting the idea” in your teen’s head, especially if you bring it up in the context of a survival plan. The best way to ask if your teen is suicidal is to simply say you’re concerned. Watch how Karen did it with her daughter, Kaylee.

Karen stares out the front window watching her fourteen-year-old daughter walk up the street. With a jolt she realizes that Kaylee is seriously depressed. She has always been a dramatic girl, but right now, Kaylee is playing to no one. Her hair is messy and she walks with the slump of an arthritic old woman. She actually looks like she’s in pain. As Kaylee turns and heads up the walkway, Karen sees that her eyes look flat.

Karen wonders what to say as she hears the front door click open. So often when she expresses concern Kaylee becomes defensive and they both end up yelling. But Karen can see that she must say something.

Kaylee heads down the hallway, and Karen says, “Honey, I need to talk to you.” Kaylee doesn’t break stride, just heads to her room and softly closes the door behind her.
Karen goes to the closed door and knocks briefly, then opens the door. Kaylee is shrugging her backpack onto the floor. “What is it, Mom?” Kaylee has her back to her mother.

“Honey, I can tell that you’re not doing well. I think we should go back to the family therapist.”

Kaylee sinks into her desk chair. “Okay.”

Stunned that Kaylee is agreeing when she used to always argue about it, she becomes more concerned. “Sweetie, can I ask you a question. Are you suicidal?”

Something crosses Kaylee’s eyes. She blinks at her mom and forces a smile. “No. Of course not. Why would you think that?”

Karen blurts. “Because I can see that you’re carrying around something very heavy.” She feels herself tremble with emotion.

Kaylee looks alarmed. “I’m fine, Mom, really. Please don’t look at me that way.”

“I’m fine, Kaylee. But I need to let you know that you can trust me. I’m not going to flip out, I promise. You don’t have to say it if you don’t want to, but please just tell me if I’m on to something.”

Kaylee looks weary. “I just don’t have the energy for this, Mom.” She looks exhausted. Karen can see that the conversation has completely worn her out.

Karen swallows. “If you’re suicidal, will you let me make a phone call on your behalf? As your mother, it’s my job to get you help. And I don’t mind, honey.” She realizes the last sentence is silly, but Karen is a single mom and Kaylee has always tried to be independent.

“Okay.”

Karen can hardly believe her ears. She rises. Now that Kaylee has confirmed her suspicion, she realizes she’s shocked. But she’s gotten the information she was seeking, and now it’s time to do something about it. She goes into the kitchen and calls 911.

Kaylee’s story offers a couple of additional clues as to why teens sometimes conceal suicidal thoughts. Fatigue. The deeply depressed teen may not have the energy to seek help. Depression changes a person’s thinking so gradually that they do not notice it occurring. They believe that the situation is hopeless, blaming their feelings on their circumstances or even themselves. It is a cruel fact that the depressed person is often unable to recognize the illness and therefore cannot ask for help.

Did Karen handle things right in this case? The fact is that there are many right ways to handle a situation like this. In this case, there is going to be some drama. The 911 call will likely trigger an ambulance and a police car. Kaylee will be gently led to the ambulance and taken to the hospital for treatment. That might sound extreme to some people. Maybe in time, Kaylee and her mom will regret all the drama, but one thing is sure: Kaylee will get help. Why take a chance? Desperate situations call for desperate measures. Serious health problems can involve anything from chemotherapy to an amputation. Suicide ideation is life-threatening, so don’t be afraid to take action.