“The teen who is going through a difficult time emotionally may tire easily, become confused, or get frustrated. You can help by maintaining an air of quiet encouragement.”If only mental illness were like strep throat: you feel terrible for a few days, you take medicine, and a week later you’re back in shape. Recovery from mental illnesses is slow, measured more in months than in days. Fortunately, there are many things you can do to hasten your teen’s recovery.
Show Some Confidence
At this early point, it is easy to feel like things are out of control, but try to show your teen that you are confident about their recovery. Save the tears, anger, and self-flagellation for the therapist or for private moments with your spouse. On the other hand, it is okay to admit to your child that you’re worried. If they say they’re angry about it all, you can confide that you too feel angry that this is happening to them. Here is an example of what I mean:
Her: Why is this happening to me, Mom?
You: I don’t know why, honey. I honestly never expected something like this. I admit that I’m very worried. But I have a lot of confidence in the people who are helping us. We’ll get through this.
Her: I saw you crying last night. Admit it, you think I’m losing my mind.
You: I’m sorry you saw that. I have had some tough moments. It’s hard for a parent to see her child suffering. But I don’t believe for a minute that you’re losing your mind. I want you to know that Dad and I are working together to get you the care you need. We’ll get through this.
Note the repetition of, “We’ll get through this.” Sometimes there is nothing more to say. Don’t feel that you have to have all the answers.
Managing Your Home Environment
Now for the good part: the things you can do to promote your teen’s recovery. The brain heals and becomes regulated by routine. Get your teen to wake up and go to bed at the same time each day. Establish a routine and have them stick to it, eating meals, exercising, and doing schoolwork at the same time each day. They will rely upon your encouragement in the early days of treatment. It can be a slow and discouraging process, particularly when a medicine trial does not go well. Reassure your teen that you intend to do everything you can to help them get well.
Meanwhile, keep the household calm and quiet. Try to serve dinner at the same time each day. Cut everything out of your schedule that you possibly can so that there is less irregular activity (besides, you need to trim your own obligations in order to take care of yourself). If you are in the habit of shouting questions to your kids, try to stop. Instead, go to them directly and speak in a normal tone of voice. If conflict is a regular part of life in your household, you may want to address it now while you have the benefit of a family therapist involved. Many families find that they become stronger when a crisis such as this occurs.
Avoid Teasing and Sarcasm
Emotionally ill teens do not perceive sarcasm or teasing the same way that we do. Their pain is always at the forefront, and everything you say to them gets filtered through that tender layer. When my teens were depressed I was astonished to find them taking what I had said literally. When I tried to explain that I was joking, they became confused and hurt. Having a teen with a mental illness can make you a better communicator.
Get Your Teen Talking
The most powerful thing you can do during this time is listen. If you are in the habit of lecturing or criticizing, your child’s recovery will be considerably delayed. I don’t mean to sound sanctimonious. After years of knowing better, I still have to work to keep the negative tone out of my voice and to avoid lecturing. There is no such thing as a perfect parent, and your child is still expecting you to be you. But why not go for an even better you? I recommend that you allow yourself to do ten percent of the talking and let your child take the other ninety percent. Maybe you’re thinking that your house will be awfully quiet with a ratio like that. But think about it: the more you talk, the less they have to speak, and you need to know what their symptoms, fears, and needs are if you are to help. One of the best ways to get your teen to talk is to reflect back what they say. If they say, “I’m sick of hearing you and dad fight,” you can say, “It sounds like our arguing is causing you a lot of stress.” It might encourage them to further explain how they feel.
If your teen does open up and start talking, congratulations! Keep it up by saying things like, “I’d like to hear more about that.” They may very well oblige you. Don’t be afraid of long pauses. If you speak too soon, you cut off the possibility of hearing what else they have to say, and this is where the good stuff often lurks. If they finish a heated explanation and you’re quiet, you leave the door open for more. You’ll be amazed at what else you can get from your teen by just patiently waiting for more.
One thing I’ve learned about talking to kids is that they often hear the first sentence and then tune the rest out. So make that first sentence count. Better yet, make it your only sentence. Then they’ll really remember it.
Consider Your Teen’s State of Mind
The teen who is going through a difficult time emotionally may tire easily, become confused, or get frustrated. You can help by maintaining an air of quiet encouragement. You may need to write things down for them each day. If their confusion is severe, help them prepare an index card each night, listing everything they have to do the following day. It is also wise to help them organize the books and assignments they’ll need the following day. A little planning on your part will help your teen have a better day. Eventually, they’ll be able to handle this themselves.
“As parents, we sometimes feel like we need to be in steady communication with our children, but teens need privacy.”