Your Hurting Teen Help for emotionally troubled teens

“Many teens are more comfortable getting to know other teens through a structured activity.”

If your teen struggles with a mental illness, social situations can be challenging. Some teens will continue to resist relationships even though they have the opportunity. They may find it draining to be around other people and prefer to spend time alone. Similarly, they may not want the responsibility of maintaining a friendship, afraid they won’t have the energy to go out with friends when the opportunity arises. Try to be patient with your teen and consider any interaction at all with peers to be progress.

If your teen has lost ground socially, conversation may be difficult and draining. Suggest they challenge their conversational skills by learning one thing about each person they meet. Most people’s favorite conversational subject is themselves, after all.

Teens who have withdrawn for a time often take comfort in the safety of their bedrooms. They enjoy being on the Internet, playing video games, and watching television. Tell your teen that it’s okay to still do these things, but limit the number of hours per day. Insist upon your teen participating in some outside activities. Here are some places to start:

School
If you have been driving your teen to and from school, let them walk at least part of the way. The exercise and independence will build self-esteem. Your teen may even find someone to walk with. Beyond that, joining an after-school activity will make school more meaningful and provide some positive high school memories after graduation. Most important, your teen will have friends.

Keep in mind that some courses are naturally more social than others: art, band, choir, drama, newspaper, yearbook, and others. A course like this can provide a quick social network. Many teens are more comfortable getting to know other teens through a structured activity.

Part-Time Work
A part-time job can increase a teen’s social confidence, giving him a sense of purpose and belonging. Receiving a paycheck will make him feel valued. If he deals with customers, he will become more self-assured when dealing with the public and interacting with coworkers. If he cannot get a job, have him try volunteering.

Volunteering
Volunteering is especially helpful to the teen who could use a little more empathy. Doing something for nothing will help them mature more than anything. If your teen lacks confidence, volunteering is the next best thing to a part-time job, and it’s much easier to find volunteering opportunities. If your teen needs friends, steer him or her toward volunteer opportunities that involve other teens.

This is Part III in a series on teen maturity. Read the others:
Helping Your Teen Mature (Part I)
Getting Through to Your Irrational Teen (Part II)
Six Strategies for Helping Your Teen Mature (Part IV)
Five Steps to Increasing Teen Maturity (Part V)

“You can help your teen by distinguishing the truth from self-defeating statements.”

To become more mature, teens need to be able to recognize irrational thinking. A simple approach is to help them learn to distinguish between fact and opinion. Asking a few questions will usually help them realize that they are making assumptions based on their feelings. They can then look at their feelings and come up with a more appropriate approach.

Let’s see how Brett does it with his son, Joey:

Joey comes home from his part-time job and throws his Shake Shack apron on the kitchen counter. “My boss hates me, and I’m quitting.”

Brett eyes him from behind his computer. “Did she tell you she hates you?”

“No, but I can tell she does. She yelled at me twice for leaving the back door open.”

“Was she actually yelling?”

“Well not yelling, but she sounded pretty mad.”

Brett gazes at the ceiling thoughtfully. “Hmm. Why would she get upset about the back door being open?”

Joey grunts and opens the refrigerator. He pours himself a glass of milk, slopping a little on the counter. “It opens to an alley and I guess she doesn’t want random people going in there.”

“Oh, so she’s worried about employee safety?”

Joey says, “And to prevent theft. She told me people will pull up to back doors with a van and just load up boxes of supplies, then drive off and sell it. You want to hear something interesting?” He leans against the counter and adopts an authoritative tone. “Nine percent of our profits get walked out of the store. Like literally, supplies just disappear. Sometimes employees do it. But she knows I’m honest. She gives me the keys to the register now, you know.”

“But you said she hates you.”

“What?”

“When you came in, you said your boss hates you. Was that a fact or an opinion?”

“Well, I guess an opinion. But you know, she did have to tell me twice to close the door. You can see why that would annoy her. Overall, she’s pretty nice to me.” He smirks at Brett. “I guess I’ll give her another chance.”

You can help your teen by distinguishing the truth from self-defeating statements. A therapist can help by using cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). CBT helps patients analyze their thoughts and distinguish between rational thinking and distorted thinking. When teens learn this powerful skill, they come to realize that they can change the way they think. This usually makes life easier on them.

When your teen makes inaccurate statements, ask them why they think that. Question them about the accuracy of words such as “always” or “never.” For example, the teen who is convinced that nobody wants to be their friend will learn to examine all the reasons why they have reached this conclusion. Then they can challenge their distortions. Their list might end up looking something like this:

Granted, this would take more than one CBT session, but you get the idea. When teens begin learning how to remove distorted thinking, they empower themselves. The process can uncover fears, self-image issues, and self-defeating behavior. Many therapists include at least some aspect of CBT into their treatment. There are also a number of outstanding teen workbooks on CBT. Here are two:

The Shyness and Social Anxiety Workbook for Teens, by Jennifer Shannon
Think Confident, Be Confident for Teens, by Marci Fox and Leslie Sokol

This is Part II in a series on teen maturity. Read the others:
Helping Your Teen Mature (Part I)
Building Social Skills in the Emotionally Ill Teen (Part III)
Six Strategies for Helping Your Teen Mature (Part IV)
Five Steps to Increasing Teen Maturity (Part V)