“…you are growing into the demands of the role even if it doesn’t feel like it today.”
If you’re a dad and your teen is suddenly undergoing severe emotional issues, you may feel tested as never before. Until now, you may have felt like you had a good handle on the care of your family, providing love, support, fun moments, and financial security. Now it may seem like, despite your many skills, you don’t have what your family needs to alleviate this crisis. You may feel like your wife is handling things better than you can and perhaps she is impatient for you to jump aboard and help. You may feel like every time you try to help, it turns into a blunder. Let me assure you that you are growing into the demands of the role even if it doesn’t feel like it today. Be patient; you’ll get there. Meanwhile, let me offer you a few shortcuts.
Dealing with Your Wife’s Frustration
First, if your wife seems angry at you, recognize that it may be merely frustration. She probably feels scared and out of her depth too. She may snap at you, find fault over little things, and continually emphasize how hard her role is. There is an amazingly effective way to disarm her. First, ignore your instinct to defend yourself; instead, turn your attention to her by listening. Next, tell her you can see that this is causing her incredible stress, that you’re sorry if she feels like you can’t always come through for her, and that you’re proud of what an incredible job she is doing. Give her time to respond, and continue repeating your supportive comments. Before long, you may find that she is being equally supportive and understanding of your position.
Handling Blame with Teens
You may need to address the issue of blame if you find that it has become a new theme in your family. When a teen feels terrible inside, the only way to vent may be to blame everyone around them. Go ahead and listen to your teen’s list of complaints, even if it is hard to hear. Thank them for confiding in you, acknowledge that they are suffering, and say that you are going to do the best you can to help. Gently suggest that both of you look toward the future. The past may be regrettable, but it is unchangeable. Say something like, “Let’s stick with the doctor and the therapist and look for a better future for you. After all, you’re only sixteen. Things have to get better than this.”
Find Support
Finally, find a close friend whom you can really trust, and let him know what is going on. If the two of you like to golf or fish, make it a point to keep these activities going. You don’t have to spend the whole time talking about your teen, but knowing that someone else understands will help. If you are hesitant to confide in your coworkers or boss, don’t feel like you have to tell them everything. They may ask if you’re doing okay, particularly if you miss a day here or there or seem stressed. Don’t take this as an alert that you are failing at your job. Just say that you and your wife are having a little trouble with your teen. Everyone has a little trouble with their teen; trust me, they won’t find it unusual.
If Things Boil Over
Let’s say things really boil over at your house and you split for a day or two Not a helpful move, granted, but not the end of the world either. Try not to let it happen, because it will look like abandonment to your wife, teen, and other children. But if it does, start by shaking it off. The event was your way of stepping out of the fire in order to get your bearings. When mental illness descends, things can happen so fast that we just can’t keep up. Go home, explain that you were overwhelmed and needed to step outside for a while. Say that you’re back now and ready to help find improvement. If someone tries to condemn you for leaving, simply say you’re back, you care, and now let’s look to the future. You may be able to put things completely to rest by apologizing, admitting that you wished you had been able to handle the stress better, and acknowledging how hurtful your leaving must have felt. Then reiterate that you’re back, you care, and now let’s look to the future.
Tackle One Thing at a Time
Finally, if you are the type of person who likes to take concrete action, this paragraph is for you. Pause a moment to look over the assortment of troubles taking place at home right now. For example: your wife has been fired for missing too much work looking after your teen, your younger daughter has started hanging out with kids who do drugs, and your ill son is not speaking to you. Tackle one problem. Just one. Maybe you’ll decide your son needs a little space from you and that your wife is more worried about your daughter than she is her job situation. Tell her that you’re going to try to take over the issue with your daughter for a while. Perhaps you can take her camping or try an activity that you used to enjoy together. Or you could take her to visit your parents while making it a point to do some things with her that she enjoys, even if it’s something you normally wouldn’t enjoy, like going to the mall. She will be impressed by your interest and commitment, though she may not express it.
I think you’ll find quite a bit of success if you choose some of the above strategies. Recovery from mental illness affects not only the teen but the entire family. You have a formidable task, but other families manage to come through it. Yours will too. It is a slow, sometimes frustrating process, but it is entirely doable with your strength and commitment. Pause every once in a while and make note of your progress. If you don’t think you’ve made any, ask yourself what you know today that you didn’t know six months ago. That’s progress.
“…choose a few effective and tolerable interventions and then stick with them…”