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Troubling Issues / Uncategorized — Comments Off on Your Teen’s Dark Poetry, Music, or Art
13
Nov 24

Your Teen’s Dark Poetry, Music, or Art

Teenager“Teens tend to think in extremes, and their art shows it.”

You are cleaning out the car when you find a sheet of crumpled, lined notebook paper. Smoothing it out, you see that your teen has written a poem about suicide. A bolt of fear shoots through you.

Take a deep breath. This could mean that your teen is suicidal or it could mean that they had a bad day. Teens tend to think in extremes, and their art shows it. Having recently left childhood behind, they are new to many of the painful facts of life. The realization can be overwhelming.

Meanwhile, there is you, worrying about whether to be concerned. If the art merely hints at depression or anxiety, do not mention that you found it. Instead, say that you notice that they seem blue lately. Tell your teen that you would like to help, and that you promise not to over-react or judge. They may not open up to you right away, but at least they know someone is looking out for them. Also, you have opened the door a crack. If more evidence appears, you can press further.

If the art scares you, it is time to take action. For example, in the case of the poem about suicide, if your teen refuses to open up, explain what you found. It is worth the risk of their resentment. Express that you respect their discomfort but that you would be a poor parent if you didn’t follow up. It is important for them to know that somebody cares enough to do something about their situation.

Tell your teen that you have made an appointment to go together to see a therapist or the school counselor. Be assured, by the way, that the school counselor or school psychologist is well-equipped and experienced with this issue. If your teen objects, remain firm. Explain that you love them and that you need to check this out in order to know that they are safe. Say that sometimes teens do not realize just how depressed they are if they’ve been coping for a while.

Be sensitive to the fact that they may be embarrassed by the content of the item you found. Do not bring it along (in fact, if you still have it, return it). Tell the therapist or counselor, in general terms, the message you interpreted from the item and then let her take it from there. Afterward, thank your teen for accompanying you to the appointment. Never mention the poem again. Your teen will appreciate your sensitivity.

 

Getting Help / Troubling Issues / Uncategorized — Comments Off on Can Your Therapist Be Wrong?
18
Oct 24

Can Your Therapist Be Wrong?

WhoToTell.jpg.jpg“Once the therapist understands your position, you can both broaden your perspective.”

For many parents, hiring a therapist for their teen is a big step. This is especially true if you’ve never been in therapy yourself. You may not understand how therapy works or you may worry it will be a doorway to new conflicts and resentments. The goal of therapy is to make things better. Sometimes that requires the examination of unpleasant feelings so that they can be resolved. But what if your therapist makes a recommendation that feels flat-out wrong to you?

Your therapist is human and therefore may have missed some factors in making a recommendation. Ask yourself these questions about your therapist:

Does Your Therapist Understand Your Family’s Culture?

If your therapist comes from a different culture or religion, they may not understand certain family norms. Granted, these values may be worth examining and even modifying, but first make sure your therapist understands that they exist. Don’t be afraid to say, “That goes against our family’s beliefs.” On the other hand, be prepared to listen. Maybe some of those beliefs are worth modifying.

Does Your Therapist Understand Your Family’s Economic Restraints?

Therapists may make recommendations that are simply not financially realistic. For example, you may be able to afford your therapist’s recommendation that your teen attend a particular summer camp, but if that would mean no vacation for the rest of the family, it’s not reasonable. Don’t be afraid to say you can’t afford it.

Does Your Therapist Understand Logistical Constraints?

A therapist once recommended that we send our son to a charter school for the arts. It was an hour from home each way and we lived across the street from a nationally-recognized high school. We weren’t even in the charter school’s district, so we would have had to move. Don’t be afraid to say no to an idea that would only create new stress.

Does Your Therapist’s Recommendation Feel Wrong?

Sometimes therapists recommend that parents step back and let their teen do what they want. The hope here is that the teen will develop greater independence and maturity and learn from their mistakes. Ask yourself what is the worst that can happen. Then ask yourself how different that would be from ordinary life. For example, your teen wants to drive across the country with a friend. They could get in a car wreck. How is that different from them driving to their part-time job on the freeway three times a week? On the other hand, if you know your teen’s road partner drives drunk or high, you have a strong argument against the idea.

Tell your teen you want them to try new things and that you need them to work with you to create a plan that is comfortable for you. Often, teens see your “no” as not wanting them to have fun until you explain that you are afraid for their safety. Once they understand that you love and care about them, they can be surprisingly compassionate–and creative about solutions.

Has Your Teen’s Therapist Assumed Too Much Authority?

You hired a professional for a reason. You want that person to be knowledgeable, experienced, and to make a positive difference in your family. But your therapist is not the new head of your family. You do not have to go along with every suggestion. If their suggestions begin to look more like mandates, don’t blindly follow along. Talk about your own feelings. Once the therapist understands your position, you can both broaden your perspective. In the rare case that the therapist is inflexible, it may be time to look for someone new.